Today has no significance for me – it’s Monday, May 23, 2016. The twenty third of May doesn’t stand for anything; an anniversary, birthday, it doesn’t mark any particular relevance in my life. It’s a Monday – yes I know Monday’s are difficult as-is – but the sun is shining and it’s warm out. A day like today for anyone else is a happy day, a day filled with peace and calm. For me, today has no significance but, again, I woke up in a panic attack, rushed to push myself through it (aka ‘get over it’), only to have another attack.
My panic attacks cause me to miss valuable morning time; time for the gym or to get to work as scheduled, time for me to enjoy the mundane morning rituals: coffee and catching up on news via Facebook. For me, today doesn’t have significance because it’s another day I suffer from depression and anxiety without having a reason to be depressed or anxious.
The dilemma, my dilemma, is the guilt and anxiety I feel over having depression and anxiety. I have a job that pays my bills – two actually. I have a roof over my head and a nice vehicle to drive to work. I have an iPhone and I wear nice clothes. I have the luxuries of hot water, a pantry and refrigerator filled with food and I’m healthy; free of cancer, tumors, cold, flu, diabetes and all the like. I have an abundance of really amazing friends, I have the love of both my parents and my brother, and I have really supportive co-workers that have become part of the aforementioned amazing friends. I’m blessed but yet, I’m depressed and anxious.
So when I wakeup in a panic, when I walk around every day with a smile and when I answer, ‘I’m good, how are you?’ to those who pass me and ask how I am – the day has no significance to me. Not because I’m not blessed with another day – because I AM blessed with another day – a day that I SHOULD feel blessed to have. However, here I am – depressed and anxious – and guilty, guilty for feeling these feelings without having any justification to feel them.