The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



On a Clear Night, You Can See Forever

clear night skyI found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.

The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.

So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.

  • The Dalema. May 24, 2016.

The Insignificance of Today

Today has no significance for me – it’s Monday, May 23, 2016. The twenty third of May doesn’t stand for anything; an anniversary, birthday, it doesn’t mark any particular relevance in my life. It’s a Monday – yes I know Monday’s are difficult as-is – but the sun is shining and it’s warm out. A day like today for anyone else is a happy day, a day filled with peace and calm. For me, today has no significance but, again, I woke up in a panic attack, rushed to push myself through it (aka ‘get over it’), only to have another attack.

My panic attacks cause me to miss valuable morning time; time for the gym or to get to work as scheduled, time for me to enjoy the mundane morning rituals: coffee and catching up on news via Facebook. For me, today doesn’t have significance because it’s another day I suffer from depression and anxiety without having a reason to be depressed or anxious.

The dilemma, my dilemma, is the guilt and anxiety I feel over having depression and anxiety. I have a job that pays my bills – two actually. I have a roof over my head and a nice vehicle to drive to work. I have an iPhone and I wear nice clothes. I have the luxuries of hot water, a pantry and refrigerator filled with food and I’m healthy; free of cancer, tumors, cold, flu, diabetes and all the like. I have an abundance of really amazing friends, I have the love of both my parents and my brother, and I have really supportive co-workers that have become part of the aforementioned amazing friends. I’m blessed but yet, I’m depressed and anxious.

So when I wakeup in a panic, when I walk around every day with a smile and when I answer, ‘I’m good, how are you?’ to those who pass me and ask how I am – the day has no significance to me. Not because I’m not blessed with another day – because I AM blessed with another day – a day that I SHOULD feel blessed to have. However, here I am – depressed and anxious – and guilty, guilty for feeling these feelings without having any justification to feel them.

You Ran

I wouldn’t have changed you
I would’ve challenged you
That makes all the difference

  • The Dalema. May 2, 2016.

A Woman of Love

My dilemma? I’m a woman of love. I long for love; self love, love of my career and to be in love with someone (and have that love returned). When I woke up this morning I realized I’m missing love from my life.

I used to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym, then I’d meal prep and get ready for work. I’d walk into work excited for the day, for the challenges I’d face. I loved feeling caught up the tasks; so overwhelmed by my work load that, by the time I could catch a breath, it was already well passed the end of my work day. I used to feel so much pride; pride from my work, my health and fitness – pride in who I was.

I can’t pin-point exactly when my habits changed. I tried, exhaustingly, to form new ones. I tried to get back into doing what I had done for so long. But there wasn’t any light to be found in my darkness. There wasn’t any flicker of motivation or hope. There was just the underlying question of who the f*** had I become?

Now I’m staring at a grey canvas. Not the light grey that calms and soothes you, not the dark grey that shows in the sky before a storm. It’s the kind of grey found on the wallpaper in church basements – the old looking grey with a twinge of yellow; the kind of grey that never sees the sun.

My life, right now, is a grey canvas. It terrifies me – I’m stuck staring at a grey canvas begging God to splash some sort of color on it, something – anything, to motivate me again. Because this life I’m living without love; love of self, love of my career – the slightest possibility of love from another – just won’t do.

  • The Dalema. January 28, 2016

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