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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Reflection

Alone.

Missing my boys today.

We always share the highlights. We glorify the happy moments. We sit alone when it’s dark and we smile when we don’t want anyone to see our tears. I haven’t sat in alone in sadness for a long time. And I won’t today. Today I’m sharing my darkness because I don’t want to feel alone.

Before I met these two I lived alone for 9 years. I had my pups, work, friends and family but ultimately I was alone. I felt it, I dealt with it and I managed.

I never knew how beautiful life could be until I met these two. As a woman, I work hard. I give my 40+ hours to work, I take care of all the plans and make sure the house is clean, adventures are on the calendar and our bellies always full. I am loved and I love with all I have.

I convinced myself that this time alone would be great. I could enjoy some peace and quiet! I can get the house organized, do some crafting, work out, make some freezable foods, and just relax. I’ve been doing really well at this but I will not lie – once you have this kind of love and fulfillment in your life, no matter how long you were alone before, the void is even more obvious. No matter how independent you are, you still want to share the moments of your every day with those you love.

I am an extremely lucky woman. I am an extremely strong woman. But today the house is too quiet. The house is too clean and organized. The house is too empty. I really don’t know how I lived without these two before.

I miss my boys today.

– The Dalema. September 5, 2021.

Failure of the Senses

I think

Before I speak

I feel

Before I see

I walk

Before I crawl

I jump

Before I fall

I dream

Before I live

I crash

Before I skid

I burn

Before I warm

I break

Before I’m worn

I think

Before I speak

I feel

Before I see

I jump

Before I leap

But please

Don’t give up on me.

  • The Dalema. May 24, 2019.

Insecure Space

There’s a space in my mind

Where my insecurities lie

I keep them all inside

They taunt me sometimes

There’s a place in my soul

Where my insecurities go

They travel lonely roads

Where I’ve been before

There’s a space inside my heart

Where my insecurities start

They lay there in the dark

Trying to tear us apart

There’s a space in my mind

Where my insecurities lie

They say you’ll change your mind

And you’ll leave me behind

There’s a place inside my soul

Begging you not to go

Filled with sadness I have known

Without you I’m alone

There’s a part inside my heart

That’s fighting with my soul

And the insecurities of my mind

They’re tearing me up inside.

  • The Dalema. April 28, 2019.

Roll Of The Dice

The love of my life

Sleeps in front of me

And I can’t help but think

“I’m so lucky”

All the years before

Were empty

And out of nowhere

He found me

I always thought

“I know what love means”

But everything I looked for

Was never as it seemed

Now the love of my life

Sleeps in front of me

And I can’t help but think

“I’m so lucky”.

  • The Dalema, Feb. 16, 2019

Half-mast

The past is the past, but it’s hard not to carry it into your future. Just because someone did you wrong in a certain situation doesn’t mean a new person, in a similar situation, is going to do you wrong the same way. That’s what’s hard – dealing with the triggers. Noticing those red flags from before, the ones you should have seen. But now, however, they might be white flags – hell, they might not even be flags at all. They could be nothing, but our triggers might disagree and say they could be everything.

I know it’s hard not to panic when you care for someone. I know it’s hard to talk your mind out of thinking the worst. But try. Try with everything you have. Because the alarms that go off when you see those red flags could be a reason the person you care about starts having red flags about you.

Your overthinking could sabotage your current situation. You’re building something up in your mind based on what someone else did – not what this person is doing. This person isn’t that person. He isn’t him. You aren’t the same person you were back then. If he’s worth it, he will see that. If not, as hard as it hurts, it just isn’t meant to be.

So breathe. Put your mind at ease. Allow yourself a chance at happiness. Forget the flags. Your past is the past. Don’t let it destroy your future.

  • The Dalema. April 1, 2018.

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