The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



The Insignificance of Today

Today has no significance for me – it’s Monday, May 23, 2016. The twenty third of May doesn’t stand for anything; an anniversary, birthday, it doesn’t mark any particular relevance in my life. It’s a Monday – yes I know Monday’s are difficult as-is – but the sun is shining and it’s warm out. A day like today for anyone else is a happy day, a day filled with peace and calm. For me, today has no significance but, again, I woke up in a panic attack, rushed to push myself through it (aka ‘get over it’), only to have another attack.

My panic attacks cause me to miss valuable morning time; time for the gym or to get to work as scheduled, time for me to enjoy the mundane morning rituals: coffee and catching up on news via Facebook. For me, today doesn’t have significance because it’s another day I suffer from depression and anxiety without having a reason to be depressed or anxious.

The dilemma, my dilemma, is the guilt and anxiety I feel over having depression and anxiety. I have a job that pays my bills – two actually. I have a roof over my head and a nice vehicle to drive to work. I have an iPhone and I wear nice clothes. I have the luxuries of hot water, a pantry and refrigerator filled with food and I’m healthy; free of cancer, tumors, cold, flu, diabetes and all the like. I have an abundance of really amazing friends, I have the love of both my parents and my brother, and I have really supportive co-workers that have become part of the aforementioned amazing friends. I’m blessed but yet, I’m depressed and anxious.

So when I wakeup in a panic, when I walk around every day with a smile and when I answer, ‘I’m good, how are you?’ to those who pass me and ask how I am – the day has no significance to me. Not because I’m not blessed with another day – because I AM blessed with another day – a day that I SHOULD feel blessed to have. However, here I am – depressed and anxious – and guilty, guilty for feeling these feelings without having any justification to feel them.

The Cold You Don’t Get Over

Where does depression hurt? Everywhere
Who does depression hurt? Everyone
You’re standing in a crowded room – but you feel like you’re the only one
Think of all you have, focus on the blessings
Hearing all of that just makes me feel guilty
If I could pull myself together, get over it like a cold
Fill my mind with all the positives, just do as I’ve been told
The problem is I’m sad for no reason, I’m stuck in the dark without a light
People say time will make it all ok, but it’s time that turned my days to nights
You hate yourself for feeling like this, you take a pill to get better
But the pill makes you feel things and those things make you write letters
The letters say goodbye and all you want to do is say hello
Get back to the person you used to be before you had this ‘cold’
The truth is that this disease of sadness kills you slowly from the inside
So please stop trying to tell those who have it that it’s all going to be alright.

  • The Dalema. April 25, 2016.

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