I’m going to regret this is the morning. But you’ll thank me someday when we pass each other randomly like strangers. You won’t realize it but you’ll be grateful you don’t remember me, grateful not to remember us.
I want you to know I didn’t run because of you, I ran because of me. I ran because I have feelings and because you let me. And mostly because I want it all and I said I don’t want anything – and I lied.
I’m not made out of mystery. I’m made out of a damage childhood and a long, overwritten story. You don’t want to have to think about this. My chapters aren’t ones you will read. I’m not the one you want – I’m not the girl next door. I’m not rainbows and butterflies; I’m fucked up – I’m damaged. It’s better you know now than to think I’m going to be something I’m not.
If you’ve heard anything, you’ve heard what I’ve said in the secret moments of lust and passion. Do you think a ‘normal’ woman would be the way I am with you behind closed doors? You don’t want me – you don’t want to date me. You don’t want to hear my name. You don’t want to let me love you. You don’t want to be the man to ‘save me’.
I’m fucking jealous – I’m envious. I get clingy. I’m insecure. I have anxiety. I’m an overthinker. I don’t want to have to burden you with all of this. I don’t want you to have to pay for their mistakes – just like I don’t want to pay for hers. So run. Just run. Run while you can – get the fuck away.
I think you already knew – and you pushed me away before I could run. You said you didn’t have feelings for me, you couldn’t be what I deserve. I think you’re lying. I think when someone wants and desires to be with someone – when you find the person so intriguing, so unique and they make you happy – you do whatever it takes. You’re as lost and broken as I am. Fuck, maybe I’m even more lost after you. You’ve had a long, bad relationship with a narcissistic manipulator and I’ve been struggling with all of this my entire life. We cannot compare. We cannot determine who has felt more and who has hurt more. It’s impossible.
I wish I could have known you. I wish you would have let me. But all we will have were those moments of lust and passion behind closed doors in a darkened house. I’d never have known enough about you, I would have always wanted more. Every day. I wouldn’t have changed you, I would have challenged you. That makes a hell of a difference.
But we were strangers who became friends who became lovers. I became a woman who wanted to love you and you became another man to leave me behind. Maybe we were never meant to meet – maybe we were meant for forever. Now we will never know. We were lovers who lost a friendship – we were friends who became strangers. I’ll never forget our time together – all the details about us you won’t remember. I’ll forgive you for forgetting me. I’ll forget the regret I’ll feel in the morning.
- The Dalema 9.30.16
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