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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Life

Alone.

Missing my boys today.

We always share the highlights. We glorify the happy moments. We sit alone when it’s dark and we smile when we don’t want anyone to see our tears. I haven’t sat in alone in sadness for a long time. And I won’t today. Today I’m sharing my darkness because I don’t want to feel alone.

Before I met these two I lived alone for 9 years. I had my pups, work, friends and family but ultimately I was alone. I felt it, I dealt with it and I managed.

I never knew how beautiful life could be until I met these two. As a woman, I work hard. I give my 40+ hours to work, I take care of all the plans and make sure the house is clean, adventures are on the calendar and our bellies always full. I am loved and I love with all I have.

I convinced myself that this time alone would be great. I could enjoy some peace and quiet! I can get the house organized, do some crafting, work out, make some freezable foods, and just relax. I’ve been doing really well at this but I will not lie – once you have this kind of love and fulfillment in your life, no matter how long you were alone before, the void is even more obvious. No matter how independent you are, you still want to share the moments of your every day with those you love.

I am an extremely lucky woman. I am an extremely strong woman. But today the house is too quiet. The house is too clean and organized. The house is too empty. I really don’t know how I lived without these two before.

I miss my boys today.

– The Dalema. September 5, 2021.

Half-mast

The past is the past, but it’s hard not to carry it into your future. Just because someone did you wrong in a certain situation doesn’t mean a new person, in a similar situation, is going to do you wrong the same way. That’s what’s hard – dealing with the triggers. Noticing those red flags from before, the ones you should have seen. But now, however, they might be white flags – hell, they might not even be flags at all. They could be nothing, but our triggers might disagree and say they could be everything.

I know it’s hard not to panic when you care for someone. I know it’s hard to talk your mind out of thinking the worst. But try. Try with everything you have. Because the alarms that go off when you see those red flags could be a reason the person you care about starts having red flags about you.

Your overthinking could sabotage your current situation. You’re building something up in your mind based on what someone else did – not what this person is doing. This person isn’t that person. He isn’t him. You aren’t the same person you were back then. If he’s worth it, he will see that. If not, as hard as it hurts, it just isn’t meant to be.

So breathe. Put your mind at ease. Allow yourself a chance at happiness. Forget the flags. Your past is the past. Don’t let it destroy your future.

  • The Dalema. April 1, 2018.

Resentment

My sheets still smell like him

That’s why I lay with you

And every time you bring us up

I don’t want you to

You want me to be the one

To make all your dreams come true

But I don’t even know myself

So how the hell can you?

I was always the one

Wanting ‘meant to be’

I don’t know what I want

And it keeps finding me

They’ve been everything I wanted

Everything I’ve dreamed

Then they tell me I’m the one

And I close down completely

So here you are like him

Falling in love with me

You’re absolutely perfect

Saying all the right things

And here I am again

Pushing love away

I don’t want to let you down

I wish that you could stay

But I’m just not ready

I now fear commitment

And everything I used to want

Is everything I resent.

  • The Dalema. February 12, 2018.

Empty Space

She used to be somebody

She used to be someone

Now in a crowded room

She still feels alone

She used to make money

She used to have fun

Now she keeps finding

Her past can’t be undone

She used to breath for life

She used to smile unforced

Now she feels empty

No way to find what’s lost.

⁃ The Dalema. January 22, 2018.

Balance beam.

Do you want to know what’s really hard?

Life.

Do you want to know what makes it all worth while?

Living.

  • The Dalema. January 2, 2018.

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