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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Late Night

In The Silence

When she heard the term “love”
She’d laugh
She knew the idea was something
In the past
When she heard the term “forever”
She’d cringe
It just reminded her of how naive
She could have been

When they said “it will happen”
She’d pause
She accepted things as they were
How it was
When they said “it exists”
She knew
It just didn’t anymore
It wasn’t true

When she felt something new
She’d fight
If it wasn’t with him
It wasn’t right
When she felt anything at all
She’d run
She didn’t believe anymore
There’s no “true love”

But when she was alone
She’d think
Of all that could’ve been
All that could be
But when she alone
She knew
It wasn’t because of her
It was because of you.

  • The Dalema. May 27, 2017.

On a Clear Night, You Can See Forever

clear night skyI found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.

The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.

So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.

  • The Dalema. May 24, 2016.

Dumbbells & Booty Calls

For him it was purely physical;
for her it would never be enough.
Because if she has to work so hard for her body,
why doesn’t he?
A few texts and she’s giving it to him
like he’s earned it.
We accept the love we think we deserve,
and she finally knows
she deserves better.

  • The Dalema. June 11, 2015.

Battles with Insomnia 

The dilemma of exhaustion. Late at night, when my eyes are heavy and I should be sleeping, each blink is a battle. I’m fighting a war against my dreams – I’m fighting to stay awake. I’m terrified of my dreams – yes, my dreams – not my nightmares.

My dreams are beautiful. Filled with love, hope and warmth. Dreams of better days where I’m living in a place I love, working a career I love – in a body I love. After my perfect workday is complete, I go home to a family who is ecstatic to see me.

No, it’s not my nightmares terrifying me – it’s not nightmares keeping me awake. It’s my dreams. Because when I wake from them the next morning, I wake to the harsh reality they were only dreams; dreams in a far away place I can only go to at night while I sleep alone. When I wake up, I wake up happy and when I realize it’s not real I start the day with a broken heart.

Every night I continue my fight, the battle of insomnia. When my eyes can’t stay open any longer – when they finally give in and close – I can only wish for kindness from my subconscious mind. I can only hope it will be kind enough to allow me a nightmare, just for tonight.

  • The Dalema. February 3, 2016

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