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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Feelings

Composed & Sleepless

I stayed up most of the night last night. I couldn’t sleep, but mostly, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried feelings of hurt, fear, loss and confusion. I cried feelings for you, for him – for anyone who has ever left me. I cried out my disappointments, my mistakes, my regrets and for all the things I just cannot seem to forgive myself for. I cried until my eyes grew so heavy they closed. I cried until I fell asleep.


When I woke up this morning I felt empty – I felt numb. I shouldn’t have felt that way. Today was the first day of my dream job. I should have felt pride and joy – excitement and accomplished. Yet I felt empty. Not a relieving, weight-off-of-your-shoulders type of empty; the type of empty you feel when you don’t feel anything anymore at all.

Last night I cried so hard and for so long,
I must have cried until my feelings were gone.

For someone like me; someone who feels too much, too often, about everything. For someone who’s overloaded with feelings, I think it’s best to feel nothing. Even when I feel nothing, somehow, I still feel more than I should.

I think in life, particularly for women – women who feel the way I feel and how I feel – it’s easier to stay empty, to be emotionless. I think building up a barrier and wearing a suit of armor is necessary. Successful women don’t feel (or rather show) their feelings to anyone. They pull themselves together. They put on a smile to hide the hurt, fear or frustration lingering underneath. They smile to maintain a composed exterior.

I think, when the barriers have been built and the suit of armor has been put on, that’s when you know you’ve truly become a woman. You’ve dealt with so much from life you decide you don’t want to feel anything at all. It’s not worth it. After all these years, I finally understood what my mother was saying when she’d tell me to pull myself together. She wasn’t being cold, she wasn’t being unloving or insensitive – she was trying to teach me to be a woman. She was trying to help me grow – she was trying to protect me.

So I’ve decided to build my walls high, and to make my suit of armor thick – indestructible. Not because I don’t want to let anyone in but because I don’t want to let my feelings out. I can’t feel again – I won’t survive it. I’ve decided I’d rather hurt than be hurt, I’d rather be alone and lonely than feel rejection; the type of rejection that makes you reject yourself. I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

I cried most of last night, I cried until the feelings were gone.
I cried until the walls were built and the suit of armor had been put on.

I cried until the give-a-damn bridge – the one leading to the front doors of the castle I built from all these feelings, after all all these years – had been burnt to ash. If I feel those feelings again; hurt, pain, confusion, disappointment, regret or loss decides to creep towards my composed, emotionless exterior – I’ll simply put on a smile to hide behind until I have the nighttime to cry.

Even if it takes another sleepless night, a week without sleep or every night for the rest of my life –
I’ll cry so hard and for so long,
I’ll continue crying until the feelings are gone.

  • The Dalema. September 9, 2016

What Dreams Are Made Of

She was the kind of forever men thought of;
The way she smiled
The things she did
The way she loved.

She was the woman to star in your dreams;
The way they played
How well you slept
How good they seemed.

She made you feel your heart was full;
Caught up in magic
Flying on clouds
Out of control.

She could seduce you with a smile;
The way she touched
How good she kissed
Her love was wild.

She became your best friend;
How she would listen
And understand
And comprehend.

She brought you back to life;
The way you’d laugh
Forget the past
Stay up all night.

She was everything you’d want for sure;
But not enough
To fill your heart
She wasn’t her.

– Danyle L. M. (9/2/16)

On a Clear Night, You Can See Forever

clear night skyI found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.

The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.

So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.

  • The Dalema. May 24, 2016.

Flying

Hours and hours of conversation
Questions answered without hesitation
Smiling so hard our cheeks are in pain
My new favorite song’s the sound of your name

Learning about you, new things each day
Refreshing and honest – you don’t shy away
Challenging me with all the right words
With just one smile you calm all my nerves

I am completely vulnerable
A naked feeling, while I’m fully clothed
These feelings we have are terrifying
Afraid of heights, but here we are flying

The men in my past have always lied –
To get in my pants, to get in my life
Said things they thought I wanted to hear
Took pieces of me and then disappeared

You call me gorgeous and say I’m sexy
For the first time, there’s no questioning –
What you say is what I believe
You’ve become someone important to me

I melt inside when I see your face
The sound of your voice, a familiar place
I’m giving in, my hearts on my sleeve;
An unexpected surprise – a find I hope you keep

– DLM 3/3/16

Caught in the Moment

You look at her in awe, those dark hazel eyes

They change colors slightly, depending on the light

You stare and stare and wonder, wonder what’s inside

You get lost in the moment, she makes you feel alive

Whenever you’re around her, you’re the only one she sees

She does all she can to please you, make you feel at ease

The gaze locks you in, and you tell her she’s the one

The days are filled with nothing but laughter and fun

 

As the weeks start to pass you gaze less and less

Her phone calls go to voicemails and you ignore her texts

You don’t invite her over and she doesn’t stay the night

You don’t want her around, her flame has lost its light

 

She asks you what has changed as you force her to call it quits

She doesn’t know how it happened, you flipped off the switch

Everything was perfect for her, you played the game and owned it

Like everyone before you, you got caught up in the moment

-DLM (1.7.15)

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