I found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.
The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.
So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.
Today has no significance for me – it’s Monday, May 23, 2016. The twenty third of May doesn’t stand for anything; an anniversary, birthday, it doesn’t mark any particular relevance in my life. It’s a Monday – yes I know Monday’s are difficult as-is – but the sun is shining and it’s warm out. A day like today for anyone else is a happy day, a day filled with peace and calm. For me, today has no significance but, again, I woke up in a panic attack, rushed to push myself through it (aka ‘get over it’), only to have another attack.
My panic attacks cause me to miss valuable morning time; time for the gym or to get to work as scheduled, time for me to enjoy the mundane morning rituals: coffee and catching up on news via Facebook. For me, today doesn’t have significance because it’s another day I suffer from depression and anxiety without having a reason to be depressed or anxious.
The dilemma, my dilemma, is the guilt and anxiety I feel over having depression and anxiety. I have a job that pays my bills – two actually. I have a roof over my head and a nice vehicle to drive to work. I have an iPhone and I wear nice clothes. I have the luxuries of hot water, a pantry and refrigerator filled with food and I’m healthy; free of cancer, tumors, cold, flu, diabetes and all the like. I have an abundance of really amazing friends, I have the love of both my parents and my brother, and I have really supportive co-workers that have become part of the aforementioned amazing friends. I’m blessed but yet, I’m depressed and anxious.
So when I wakeup in a panic, when I walk around every day with a smile and when I answer, ‘I’m good, how are you?’ to those who pass me and ask how I am – the day has no significance to me. Not because I’m not blessed with another day – because I AM blessed with another day – a day that I SHOULD feel blessed to have. However, here I am – depressed and anxious – and guilty, guilty for feeling these feelings without having any justification to feel them.
I read your goodbye over and over all the time. It’s not because I want to keep hurting, I hurt no matter what, but rather to remind myself why you ended things. You were the best and worst for me. My turning point. Nothing in my life will be the way it was before you and everything will be different after you. I am thankful and grateful for you but I also want to say, ‘fuck you for giving up on me’.
I met you when I was vulnerable; we were both at an all-time low. Our luck in life had really fucked us and, as cliché as it is, we were meant to save one another at that point in our lives. Unfortunately for me, I thought you were saving me altogether. I thought you were different, that what we had was different. I thought you were it. We started so differently – so I didn’t think we would end the same, I didn’t think we would end at all.
You belittled us at the end. You made it clear the feelings you had were because we were ‘new’ and ‘exciting’. You made me feel like a phase you were going through – a stepping stone in your life. A phase you were over.
You were the most amazing man I’d ever been lucky enough to know, let alone fall in love with. You were the only man who saw every inch of me, and I’m not talking about my skin. You saw every inch of my naked soul before our lips even touched. You saw the darkest parts of me, learned of my hidden secrets. We spent so many hours smiling, laughing, sharing, talking about the future. You were right there with me, alongside me, the entire time. We walked, hand-in-hand down the path that lead me to love you. You let me fall, you let me feel happy. You even told me to ‘get used to it’. And I did – without hesitation. Because I trusted you; with my secrets, with my soul, with my skin, and I trusted you with the most delicate, fragile and priceless part of myself – my heart. Even though there wasn’t much of it left, I gave it to you.
Ultimately, you did exactly what you promised you wouldn’t do. You did what every other man has done before you. You left me, you gave up on me – on us – and you didn’t look back.
So when I wake up and you’re the first thing on my mind, or when I find myself thinking of you in the middle of the afternoon or right before I lay my head down to sleep at night; I read your goodbye. Not to hurt myself, but to kill the hope. To kill the notion I have in my mind of you actually coming back. To kill the heartfelt words of kindness and promise that we once had. To let go of the idea of you waking up one day and suddenly regretting your goodbye.
I read those words to remind myself of all the reasons I’ll never be the same person I once was. You did that to me; you showed me the most amazing love and then took it back. You showed me happiness and trust and butterflies and then drowned me in pain. You lead me to the passenger seat, got behind the wheel, put the car in drive and then slammed on the brakes before we’d even turned down the road of ‘us’. You gave me whiplash; and as I sat there trying to figure out what happened, you got out of the car and ran away.
It was you all along – you were my pivotal moment; the point in my life where everything I thought I knew about myself, about love, about strength – everything changed. When I was finally good alone, when I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner, you showed me you were everything I never knew I always wanted; you were what I needed. You made yourself the one I’ll compare others to – my ‘one that got away’.
My pivotal moment – it was you all along. It will always be you for me, but I’ll never be the same.
Where does depression hurt? Everywhere
Who does depression hurt? Everyone
You’re standing in a crowded room – but you feel like you’re the only one
Think of all you have, focus on the blessings
Hearing all of that just makes me feel guilty
If I could pull myself together, get over it like a cold
Fill my mind with all the positives, just do as I’ve been told
The problem is I’m sad for no reason, I’m stuck in the dark without a light
People say time will make it all ok, but it’s time that turned my days to nights
You hate yourself for feeling like this, you take a pill to get better
But the pill makes you feel things and those things make you write letters
The letters say goodbye and all you want to do is say hello
Get back to the person you used to be before you had this ‘cold’
The truth is that this disease of sadness kills you slowly from the inside
So please stop trying to tell those who have it that it’s all going to be alright.
The Dalema 