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Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Fake It ‘Till You Make It

The clichés: keep a positive mindset, things will happen when they’re supposed to, love yourself first, give it time, it wasn’t meant to be, you’ll come out of this stronger, etc. We hear these things everyday. The go-to clichés used to explain ‘why’ or ‘why not’, when there really isn’t an explanation. They’re used in those at-a-loss-for-words moments or when there’s nothing to be said. Yes, sometimes these clichés are true and actually work perfectly for the situation. On the contrary, there are answers and explanations – the reasons as to ‘why’ or ‘why not’ – that are better left unsaid; because the truth is too harsh or, possibly, even unacceptable. So we use these cliché’s, these go-to phrases, to explain the unexplainable or to aid in accepting the unacceptable.

We are all guilty of using these cliché’s on ourselves – they become our truth. They become the only reasonable or justifiable way to accept things as they are. They’re used as a temporary fix, to protect our wounds when we aren’t ready for them to heal. We use them to try and ‘fake it ‘til we make it’. When in reality, we aren’t making it – we are only faking it.

My personal truth, my ‘fake it ‘till you make it’ struggle, is whether or not I’m enough. I got so sick of hearing the clichés from everyone; he wasn’t ready, you’re too good for him, it’s just poor timing, you have to love yourself before someone else can, it will happen when you least expect it, etc. Instead of really reflecting on each situation or just accepting what was – instead of feeling the pain and understanding the ‘why’ or ‘why not’s’ of my feeling not good enough – I tried to fake it ’till I made it. I stopped asking myself if I was enough and started to pretend I was. I’d been faking it for as long as I could remember – so long I actually started to believe it. One would think the ‘make it’ portion of the ‘fake it ‘till you make it’ cliché had kicked in.

So I’d say I was enough; I deserved better, it wasn’t me it was him – I was overqualified for the position, I was asking for too much money, I’m too good of a friend, etc. Sound familiar? More clichés used to justify an answer I’d never really had. A justification I was using to try and convince myself that I was, in fact, enough. But something happened recently, something triggered this question again and I didn’t have a cliché to hide behind; I didn’t want to hide anymore. I started reflecting – really facing all those times I had been avoiding the real answer, my real truth. I took a long hard look at myself and contemplated what I was so afraid of admitting – a truth even harder to grasp after realizing I’d lied to myself for so long – I didn’t think I was enough.

The reason to my ‘why’ or ‘why not’s’ – the logic behind the ‘what if’s’ – the end-all-be-all decision defining all of my unexplainable or unaccepted truths – a simple answer to a simple question; I didn’t think I was enough. If I didn’t think I was enough, why would someone else? If we do have to love ourselves before someone else does – I’m not going to be loved. If I wasn’t too good for him, I wasn’t good enough for him – so of course he didn’t want me. If what we think and believe becomes our truth, then I’m never going to be enough.

So that’s what we do – we ‘fake it ‘till we make it’ – we use the clichés to fill in the blank when we can’t find the answers or accept the explanation we’ve been given. We cover the wound so we don’t have to watch it bleed, feel the sting of the ointment or allow ourselves to pick and prod at it as it heals. If we don’t face it, we don’t have to deal with it. So we use cliché’s to explain the unexplainable or to aid in accepting the unacceptable. Because if we have to face the truth, we have to look in the mirror and – the horrifying reality is – we might not like what we see.

I think it’s ok not to have an answer to ‘why’ or ‘why not’ – it’s ok not to have an explanation. Maybe, just maybe, it’s completely acceptable to refuse acceptance. You need to decide, right here and now, some things are the way they are and some things just aren’t – and the only way to get past whatever that may be is to go through it. Deal with it as it is. You have to decide and believe you are enough, not pretend. You have to stop hiding behind the clichés. You have to be able to move on without having an answer or explanation – you have to let go of what you don’t know. Life is full of unknowns, unanswered questions and unexplained realities. If you’re not willing to learn, grow and move on– if you can’t allow yourself to heal without smothering the truth under a blanket of clichés – then you’re never truly going to be able to live.

– Danyle L. M. 7/26/2016

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Leap Of Faith

The moments before the jump, you stand still for a second admiring the view, taking in all the beauty surrounding you – wondering how many people will ever or have ever looked at what you’re looking at the way you’re looking at it now.

Slowly, you start inching your way closer to the edge – and then you look down. Whoa! It’s way higher than you thought it would be. Are you going to get hurt? Are you sure you should do this? Once you fling your body over the edge, there’s no turning back – even if you want to. You pause and start to second guess your decision. You’re so close to jumping, are you really going to give up now?!

You’re palms are sweating and your heart is racing – you swallow hard with hesitation and you can feel the tug of your body trying to turn around. You’ve come so close, you’ve worked too hard! You exhale – the words ‘ah fuck it’ sneak from your lips and, before you know it, your heart takes over. It begins pumping adrenaline through your veins as you take in a deep breath, hold it and throw yourself over the edge.

All the emotions; admiration, peace, apprehension and hesitation, uncertainty, fear, joy, anxiety, doubt, excitement, pride, thrill, happiness, giddy exhilaration – those are what you feel during the most crucial, defining and influential moments of your life. I felt those emotions signing the lease to my new apartment, in a new-ish city. I felt those emotions when I accepted a new job offer and sent in my letter of resignation after nine years with a company – and that’s what I’ve felt anytime I’ve met someone who had the potential to break my heart.

I can honestly say after you throw yourself over the edge, after you take in that deep breath and hold it as you fall, you can’t help but exhale in relief. During the laughter, smiles and with the warmth tickling your skin from the adrenaline rush – entranced within the overwhelmingly amazing happiness you find yourself spiraling through – you won’t be able to hold your breath.

The fear literally gets knocked out of you as the pride swells in your chest – making it physically impossible for your heart to feel regret or your mind to have any doubts. Once you hit the water, the cool sensation rushing across your skin becomes so intoxicatingly addicting you’ll swim as fast as you can just to climb back up the hill and do it all, all over again. This time without fear, without hesitation, without doubt – with complete confidence.

Those moments, the most crucial, defining, challenging, emotion-filled and influential moments – they’re addicting.

Know yourself enough to understand when it’s worth the climb, trust your intuition enough to listen when the jump is too steep and be confident enough in yourself to know once you plunge into the water, you’re just going to want to jump in all over again!

  • The Dalema. August 9, 2016
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Gambling At Happiness

Do you ever feel like you’ve lost your way?
When you choose to stay quiet with things left to say
When you’re alone again at the end of the day
Everyone leaves and you want them to stay

Do you know you have what it takes?
When your choices could be a huge mistake
When it’s a move you know you have to make
Wanting a change, needing a break

Do you feel like there’s things you’d undo?
When the ones you want don’t want you
When you’re wrong no matter what you do
And the walls you’ve built, no one can break through

Do you ever wonder if you’re enough?
When wanting love becomes too much
When you crave affection with no one to touch
And your hearts made of coal, burnt to dust

Do you think your goals can be achieved?
When you lose who you are chasing a dream
When you try and try but there’s still no succeeding
And your past just seems to keep repeating

Do you ever feel like giving up?
When the bridges break and times get tough
When the roads you take don’t lead to much
If happiness is a bet, I’m out of luck

– Danyle L. M.

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On a Clear Night, You Can See Forever

clear night skyI found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.

The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.

So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.

  • The Dalema. May 24, 2016.
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Pivotal Moment


I read your goodbye over and over all the time. It’s not because I want to keep hurting, I hurt no matter what, but rather to remind myself why you ended things. You were the best and worst for me. My turning point. Nothing in my life will be the way it was before you and everything will be different after you. I am thankful and grateful for you but I also want to say, ‘fuck you for giving up on me’.

I met you when I was vulnerable; we were both at an all-time low. Our luck in life had really fucked us and, as cliché as it is, we were meant to save one another at that point in our lives. Unfortunately for me, I thought you were saving me altogether. I thought you were different, that what we had was different. I thought you were it. We started so differently – so I didn’t think we would end the same, I didn’t think we would end at all.

You belittled us at the end. You made it clear the feelings you had were because we were ‘new’ and ‘exciting’. You made me feel like a phase you were going through – a stepping stone in your life. A phase you were over.

You were the most amazing man I’d ever been lucky enough to know, let alone fall in love with. You were the only man who saw every inch of me, and I’m not talking about my skin. You saw every inch of my naked soul before our lips even touched. You saw the darkest parts of me, learned of my hidden secrets. We spent so many hours smiling, laughing, sharing, talking about the future. You were right there with me, alongside me, the entire time. We walked, hand-in-hand down the path that lead me to love you. You let me fall, you let me feel happy. You even told me to ‘get used to it’. And I did – without hesitation. Because I trusted you; with my secrets, with my soul, with my skin, and I trusted you with the most delicate, fragile and priceless part of myself – my heart. Even though there wasn’t much of it left, I gave it to you.

Ultimately, you did exactly what you promised you wouldn’t do. You did what every other man has done before you. You left me, you gave up on me – on us – and you didn’t look back.

So when I wake up and you’re the first thing on my mind, or when I find myself thinking of you in the middle of the afternoon or right before I lay my head down to sleep at night; I read your goodbye. Not to hurt myself, but to kill the hope. To kill the notion I have in my mind of you actually coming back. To kill the heartfelt words of kindness and promise that we once had. To let go of the idea of you waking up one day and suddenly regretting your goodbye.

I read those words to remind myself of all the reasons I’ll never be the same person I once was. You did that to me; you showed me the most amazing love and then took it back. You showed me happiness and trust and butterflies and then drowned me in pain. You lead me to the passenger seat, got behind the wheel, put the car in drive and then slammed on the brakes before we’d even turned down the road of ‘us’. You gave me whiplash; and as I sat there trying to figure out what happened, you got out of the car and ran away.

It was you all along – you were my pivotal moment; the point in my life where everything I thought I knew about myself, about love, about strength – everything changed. When I was finally good alone, when I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner, you showed me you were everything I never knew I always wanted; you were what I needed. You made yourself the one I’ll compare others to – my ‘one that got away’.

My pivotal moment – it was you all along. It will always be you for me, but I’ll never be the same.

  • Danyle L. M. 5/17/16
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