What you give is what you’ll receive – maybe not right away, but someday.
Someday someone will come into your life and make all of your insecurities disappear; they’ll challenge you, listen to you – they’ll have the desire to grow with you. They’ll not only help you find who you used to be before your heart was broken, but they’ll help you grow into the person you were meant to be – with a healed and happy heart. They’ll love you with a heart so full that yours will have no choice but to fill up again. The biggest challenge is opening up your heart – just a little – just enough to let them in.
Your heart’s like a tank of gas; you don’t risk driving around on empty. Fill it – you just have to pull into the station. You can only run on empty for so long before you completely break down. You might not realize it now, but the particular station you’re driving past – that person who loves with their whole heart – they’re a rare find; it will take hundreds of miles to find another one with a fraction of the quality compared to the one right in front of you.
– Danyle L. M. (8/29/2016)
photo credit – wordables (Pinterest)
I found myself outside at a patio bar – smoking an e-cigarette. Truth is, I’ve never smoked cigarettes but e-cigs are my thing. I’ve been smoking them for a little over two years – they calm my nerves. And in the dark on the patio, I found myself looking up into the clear night sky. I was praying – praying for God to lead me down the right path. I know the drunk feeling all too well. Drunk used to be my form of a Band-Aid to my life. My reason to forget the stress of my everyday, my reason to be able to hookup with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, and my reason to be loud and inappropriate; things I can do just fine on my own while sober.
The truth is, I’ve had a lot of Band-Aids over the years. A lot of reasons not to face my struggles and the horrific details of my past: having those Band-Aids is what got me into trouble in January. January lead me to my pivotal moment. It lead me to the one man who changed my life forever. I don’t need pivotal moments anymore. I don’t need Band-Aids; I need me – in my clear right mind and I need God – God needs to help me choose the right path and help me go in the right direction.
So tonight, while on the patio looking up at the clear night sky, I prayed. I prayed to God to heal me – I prayed to God to lead me down the right path. I prayed to God, I begged him, to give me a new chapter. A chapter where I could be myself, the woman I’ve grown PROUD to be, a chapter where I don’t need to give a man my naked body to make him love my naked soul. I prayed to God for a clean slate. A slate where my past doesn’t hold me back and my heart isn’t cold. A path where I can love what I do, in a place that makes me feel like I’m home – a place where I can finally be myself; the woman I’m proud to be.
I often find myself wishing for happiness. I try to find it in my possessions, getting lost in keepsakes and memorabilia, I even search for it while recapping the events of the day. Sometimes I’ll scroll through old Facebook pics or dig out an old scrapbook. I’ll think, “How did I let myself fall out of happiness?” Or, “Was I even happy in this pic?”.
In life people think that happiness is a place; when you find it you sit down and you camp there. You don’t want to leave – you fight it, you do. But you end up leaving, you have to.
I don’t think happiness is a place – I think happiness is a moment in time, or rather moments in time that are linked. There are moments of happy that you want to stay in forever, moments that you grasp when you are at your worst. These moments can last, too. People think a moment is a second but really it’s any portion of time; the memory and feelings with that moment are what determine the length of it to you.
I think that’s why people have such a hard time letting go of the past – because what they’re doing is holding on to those built-up moments. Those moments that they want to get lost in, those moments they want to create again, because those moments of happy are sometimes all they have.
There’s no way of recreating the past – of reliving that moment of happy. Those moments are gone and they turn in to memories. So – it’s ok to get lost in the memories; close your eyes and capture those moments. Try to let your mind wander back. When they’re gone, they’re gone forever.
When you find yourself having one of those moments you’ll someday look back on and wish you could be lost in again; make sure you live in the moment. This is it. This is the only moment of this happy that you’ll get. So cherish it, cannon ball in it! Look up from it and think, “Damn. Where did the time go? I didn’t even notice. I was too caught up in being happy!”.