Search

The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

Category

Late Night Sessions

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

– Maya Angelou –

Purposefully misspelled, I created ‘The Dalema’ from letters in my name. It’s a safe place for me to breathe. A place to unload the built-up and untold opinions, emotions, situations and short stories – the baggage I’ve been carrying around with me every day of my life.

I started writing when I was seven. I was on a plane for the first time, traveling from New York to Oregon with my grandma to visit my uncle. She gave me the gift of paper and my uncle gave me the gift of poetry. Together they gave me the gift of writing.

Escaping my body through the pen in my hand and camouflaging themselves as ink on stationary, I realized words had become my tears, my laughter – my screams. Only then did I realize I could start to understand my emotions if I wrote them down. Every day since, my life story has been accumulating on paper.

I’ve learned I’m a hopelessly romantic cynic, a realistic dreamer – a millennial with an old soul. I’m an outgoing introvert who’s insecurely confident. I’m a woman trying to be better than the girl I was meant to be.

Writing is the only way I know to lift the weight of the world off of my chest so I can breathe. The Dalema is my life. The Dalema is my story, untold. Follow along as I get through it – one post at a time.

  • The Dalema

Dear John

Dec. 1, 2016

Dear John,

These letters are written – have been written – to end relationships. They’ve been used as goodbyes. This letter, my letter Dear John, is the opposite. This letter is the only way I know how to ask you to come back. The only way I know how to tell you I need you in my life. The only way for me to know that you know I’m right here.

Every day – that’s how often you cross my mind. When something good happens I want to tell you. When something bad happens I want your advice. When something makes me laugh, I want you to experience my smile. The smile that used to be a reason behind yours. Every day I wonder how you are, what you’re doing and if you’re hurting. Not because of me, of course, but because of reasons beyond your control. Every day is another day I want to be there for you.

Dear John, please know you matter to me. You made me feel normal, wanted – beautiful and confident. You gave those gifts to me just by being you. I can’t explain it but you were my lucky charm. I felt my best knowing you were just a phone call or short drive away. I felt happiness knowing I’d see you again. You always had a way of logically reasoning with me. Making sense of things I’ve never been able to make sense of. You were the calm in my life’s storms. I miss that, I miss you. I miss our friendship. Whatever we were, whatever we weren’t – that’s all I want and I only want it with you.

So, Dear John, this letter isn’t a goodbye – it’s a plead. It’s me asking for my chance back. It’s me asking for you. Whatever’s left of you is more than enough for me.

Yours,

D

Fog Lights And Padiddle

Another sleepless night
My sight is black and white
Life in grey isn’t right
Out of mind, out of sight.

  • The Dalema. September, 2016

Subconscious State of Mind

Sleep is all I’ve got
to help get over you
I close my eyes and wander off
the pain wanders too

My dreams drift to a place
where your memory doesn’t exist
Where I can’t feel your skin on mine
I can’t taste your kiss

Where I can’t hear you saying
I don’t give you butterflies
And I don’t see you craving her
as I stare into your eyes

A place where I don’t question
why it’s not me that you want
Where the moments most dear to me
aren’t the ones that you forgot

There’s only one place left to go
for a heart that’s bruised like mine
It’s when I fade into a deep sleep
a subconscious state of my mind

When I wake I’ll be reminded
that I can’t be what you need
So goodnight, sleep tight –
love me just for tonight
if only in my dreams.

  • The Dalema. February 17, 2015.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: