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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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The Way You Look Tonight

It was your eyes. They caught my attention. I got to know them well. You have three distinct looks, I know knew them. I knew them because they made up the way you looked at me.

1. The Excited Look.

This look is a toss between the way a little boy’s eyes light up when he sees a fast car for the first time and the intensity you see in the eyes of a reckless daredevil who’s about to break a world record – or the law. The look of excitement, your look of excitement, is was completely intoxicating.

When you get this look in your eyes there’s no stopping you, this is where the risk lives. The young, wild, reckless, free and – of course – extremely happy being single version of you lives in this look. The look of excitement indicates you’re not willing to compromise for anyone.

2. The Look Of Frustration.

The look you get in your eyes when you’re frustrated has a twinge of sadness and a hint of desperation, indicating a thirst for knowledge – determination. It’s the look you get when you’re trying to finish a project but you’re forgetting a part or a step. This look is intimidating – it tells those around you to back off because your short temper is about to come out to play.

Your frustrated look can turn into a very silent but quite deadly look. A look so cold and dark no one in their right mind would want to approach you. After a minute or two, depending on the situation, this look is sealed with a hint of a smile. A mischievous smile pulling a little bit of the excitement out from behind those cold, dark walls. Then your eyes get their twinkle back.

3. The eye roll.

The eye roll is the exit sign, your way out of a conversation or a way to change the topic. It’s your hallway to safety, your way of not being taken too seriously. Your ‘get out of jail free’ card. You do the eye roll when you’ve said something that might offend someone or when you realize you’ve been too inappropriate in a situation or conversation.

The eye roll is used the most by you when you’re recklessly flirting. When the victim she starts to look at you with hope and excitement, with a twinkle in her eye, you use the eye roll to show her you’re not interested. You use it to tell her you were just joking around. The eye roll is your safety vest; it’s the way you stay calm, cool and collected in every challenging situation.

After your eye roll exit, you always revert back to your look of excitement. Then – my favorite part – when you get that twinkle back.

Kind of like the twinkle you would have when you looked at me.

The way you looked at me was what made me stay, made me hold on. The way you looked at me was a contradiction to the things you said – making me feel the way I felt.

The Way You Looked At Me.

Part I. A mix of your excited and frustrated looks. At first glance, your eyes would portray you weren’t sure if you should let me know what was behind them – you didn’t want me to know what was next. Then came the intensity, the intoxicating part, the most dangerous part. The intense look hinted to the twinge of the excitement you have had for me; excitement about what we could’ve been. It was the look that lead me on. It was the look that made me want to open my heart to you.

Part II. Then your stare turned into a look of intensity, frustration and danger, mixed with excitement. The look that made me melt into your arms. The look you gave me with a mischievous hint of a smile kept me lingering. It was the look that gave me hope. The look that made me think one day, somehow, I might have been the reason behind your smile – the only woman you would give that smile to.

Part III. But then, all those looks; the intoxicatingly dangerous excitement, the frustration, the intensity – the hope – faded away. You completed the way you looked at me with the eye roll.  The open door implying you might have let me walk through, into your heart, would close. No matter how hard I tried to walk through, no matter how fast I’d walk or how far open that door would be, you always met me before I entered. You’d always stop me. The way you looked at me would always, in the hallway to your heart, end in an eye roll leading to the exit sign – and you’d escort me out.

When you did this my heart would stop. The butterflies would subside, and I’d be left feeling like the air was just knocked out of my lungs. The eye roll was your way of telling me you meant what you said; we were what we were and we wouldn’t be anything more. You meant what you said when you said you didn’t feel a thing. It indicated you didn’t take me seriously when I said I wouldn’t hurt you. You didn’t believe me.

The Way You Look At Me Now.

I’m no longer familiar with the way you used to look at me – I only know the way you look at me now. Our eyes have become strangers, your gaze moves past me – I’m not even sure you see me anymore. Because now, the way you look at me says you don’t feel anything for me. You don’t take me seriously when I say I won’t hurt you.It says, no matter how many glances you send in my direction, I’m not the only woman to receive them. I’m not, I wasn’t and won’t be, the reason behind your mischievous smile.

But me? I still get caught in your eyes. I get caught in the hope of getting lost in them, caught in the hope that you might get lost in mine. When you see my eyes twinkle, when you see my lingering gaze in your direction, I see your eyes roll, reminding me –

Each and every time you find me, you’ll walk me out.

  • The Dalema. September, 2015

Dinner

There wasn’t awkward silence. There wasn’t music in the background. No butterflies or a goodnight kiss. There was just good conversation, good food and some laughs. I’d give it 7/10 for a first date.

It’s been three or four months since my last date, and that was when I flew to a different state to visit a guy I had been talking to for a few months. Two very different situations. I have to say, all in all, it went well. He’s a nice guy and I think we will go out again, but I don’t think we will be more than friends.

Here’s the challenge: I’ve been through a lot this year (already) and last year too – especially in the relationship (situationship) department. My heart is guarded. As much as I want to dive in to something with someone and allow myself to ‘love’ again, I’m not going to – I’m just not ready.

We talked about a lot on our date, he could tell I’m not in a place to be with someone. He’s understanding – as nice guys always are – and would still like to see me again, even if just as friends.

Dating is difficult because we meet people like ‘the nice guy’ and we try to have feelings for them, but we can’t. Then, we meet the ‘bad boy’ who isn’t relationship material and fall in bed with for them and they break our hearts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall for bad boys on purpose – I just have a type. My type? Tall, dark hair, athletic, confident, sarcastic, funny – sometimes with a beard – great smile, dark eyes and muscular. It’s not my fault the ones I’ve met so far haven’t been emotionally able to commit to me!

If love is real, why does it have to hurt so much? Shouldn’t it be simple? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy so she says yes. Boy and girl go to dinner and have a great time. They go out again and again because boy calls girl and asks her out when he says he will. Girl tells boy when he makes her mad and boy does the same. They get married and have lots of sex.

They make a beautiful little family and live in a happy little home. Of course they have challenges every now and then, but they talk them out and work through them together. Their happy little children see them live their lives this way and, in turn, live their lives the same way. So, they grow up and have happy relationships too. The end.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, but that’s not how it is.

I’ll stay friends with nice guy and keep my heart guarded. I’ll say no to the ‘bad boy’ because, even though he’s what my body wants, he’s not what my heart needs. All the while I’ll try and stay hopeful there’s a man – yes, a man – out there that’s a perfect blend of nice and bad (nad or bice). Someone good for my heart and body. When I meet him I’ll say yes; yes I’ll go out with you, yes I’ll let you in to my heart – YES I’ll be myself with you.

We will go on lots of dates, have lots of sex, get married and live happily ever after.

The end.

  • The Dalema. February 4, 2016.

The Kind of Night

out of nowhere image
Image Source: Anonymous

It’s the kind of night when I don’t want to be alone. The kind of night when I wish we could sit on the couch watching TV, talking and laughing – enjoying a glass of new wine together.

I’d like to fall asleep in your arms. I’d like to wake up with my head on your shoulder. But you aren’t here – we haven’t met yet.

If that’s the case, search for me.

Or maybe we have met and you let me go or you aren’t holding on.

If that’s the case, fight for me – don’t let me go.

Because I need you. I’ve needed you for a long time.

I know who I am alone, and I love who I am. But this life is lonely and the successes – the tests of character and the obstacles – they’re all pointless when there’s no one there to share them with.

– The Dalema. January 26, 2016

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