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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Caught in the Moment

You look at her in awe, those dark hazel eyes

They change colors slightly, depending on the light

You stare and stare and wonder, wonder what’s inside

You get lost in the moment, she makes you feel alive

Whenever you’re around her, you’re the only one she sees

She does all she can to please you, make you feel at ease

The gaze locks you in, and you tell her she’s the one

The days are filled with nothing but laughter and fun

 

As the weeks start to pass you gaze less and less

Her phone calls go to voicemails and you ignore her texts

You don’t invite her over and she doesn’t stay the night

You don’t want her around, her flame has lost its light

 

She asks you what has changed as you force her to call it quits

She doesn’t know how it happened, you flipped off the switch

Everything was perfect for her, you played the game and owned it

Like everyone before you, you got caught up in the moment

-DLM (1.7.15)

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Dinner

There wasn’t awkward silence. There wasn’t music in the background. No butterflies or a goodnight kiss. There was just good conversation, good food and some laughs. I’d give it 7/10 for a first date.

It’s been three or four months since my last date, and that was when I flew to a different state to visit a guy I had been talking to for a few months. Two very different situations. I have to say, all in all, it went well. He’s a nice guy and I think we will go out again, but I don’t think we will be more than friends.

Here’s the challenge: I’ve been through a lot this year (already) and last year too – especially in the relationship (situationship) department. My heart is guarded. As much as I want to dive in to something with someone and allow myself to ‘love’ again, I’m not going to – I’m just not ready.

We talked about a lot on our date, he could tell I’m not in a place to be with someone. He’s understanding – as nice guys always are – and would still like to see me again, even if just as friends.

Dating is difficult because we meet people like ‘the nice guy’ and we try to have feelings for them, but we can’t. Then, we meet the ‘bad boy’ who isn’t relationship material and fall in bed with for them and they break our hearts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall for bad boys on purpose – I just have a type. My type? Tall, dark hair, athletic, confident, sarcastic, funny – sometimes with a beard – great smile, dark eyes and muscular. It’s not my fault the ones I’ve met so far haven’t been emotionally able to commit to me!

If love is real, why does it have to hurt so much? Shouldn’t it be simple? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy so she says yes. Boy and girl go to dinner and have a great time. They go out again and again because boy calls girl and asks her out when he says he will. Girl tells boy when he makes her mad and boy does the same. They get married and have lots of sex.

They make a beautiful little family and live in a happy little home. Of course they have challenges every now and then, but they talk them out and work through them together. Their happy little children see them live their lives this way and, in turn, live their lives the same way. So, they grow up and have happy relationships too. The end.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, but that’s not how it is.

I’ll stay friends with nice guy and keep my heart guarded. I’ll say no to the ‘bad boy’ because, even though he’s what my body wants, he’s not what my heart needs. All the while I’ll try and stay hopeful there’s a man – yes, a man – out there that’s a perfect blend of nice and bad (nad or bice). Someone good for my heart and body. When I meet him I’ll say yes; yes I’ll go out with you, yes I’ll let you in to my heart – YES I’ll be myself with you.

We will go on lots of dates, have lots of sex, get married and live happily ever after.

The end.

  • The Dalema. February 4, 2016.
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Men Lessons of 2015

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So here’s the dilemma; it’s impossible to enjoy the moment and move on to whatever your future holds if you’re stuck in the past. New Year’s is all about a fresh start, a clean slate. But sometimes it’s best to reflect before wiping the slate clean. I have a tendency, as I’m sure some of you do as well, to hold on to the memories and ‘what went wrong’s’ of the previous men I’ve ‘dated’. I say ‘dated’ because it was more of a situationship than a relationship – all of the perks of being committed to someone, and a relationship, without actually having them commit to me. So I’m going to reflect back on things one last time, then I’m going to let go. End of, no turning back.

Mr. January**
I learned my true comfort level behind closed doors. I became in touch with a side of myself I didn’t know I had – and a side that I’ll never hide again. However, he taught me that my body is not something to be given away freely. He taught me that if a man says he doesn’t feel something for you, take his word for it. He proved to me that men can really only want sex and they can do so without feeling a drop of affection for you.

Mr. March**
I learned that men can lie right to your face. It’s ok to keep your guard up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice – or three times – shame on me. He taught me that once a man is a cheater, generally, he’s always a cheater. (Remember – you’re always the rule, not the exception.*) Never trust a liar. He also taught me that I love being kissed on the forehead. He showed me that I enjoy actually watching Netflix and chilling with a guy without it leading to sex.

Mr. June**
I learned that it’s ok to be wild and free. It’s ok to give in to desire and temptation. Who said we have to act our age? He taught me that a friendship can bloom from lust. He taught me that I can fall in love with someone, get hurt by them, fall out of love with them and still remain friends. He also showed me that men can be very manipulative and cold if they want sex. He showed me that there are still ways my heart can break. Age is just a number but it does affect compatibility – especially depending on where the person’s at in their life. He taught me all the reasons it can’t work for me and a younger guy. But he also taught me that it’s ok to say no to men (the good ones will stick around), it’s ok to put myself first and that I’m way too nice.

Mr. July**
I learned that, no matter how broken my heart is, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. I’ll always follow my heart; even if it leads me to a different state randomly for a long weekend. He taught me that men will show you what they like, and don’t like, without saying much. He taught me that men are creatures of habit. If they do something once, like – let’s just say – ghost on you, they’ll do it again and again. But more importantly, he showed me what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship again – if even just for a few days. He also taught me that men have absolutely no trouble leaving without a reason. No trouble throwing you away like you meant nothing at all to them – regardless of how much they mean(t) to you.

Yet here I am – still thinking of them. It just goes to show you – not all men are the same; they can all f*** up something great with someone great, but in totally different ways.

Referring to my bible, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, by: Greg Behrendt, Simon Spotlight Entertainment 2009

**All names were changed to protect the identity of the individuals. The opinions expressed above are solely my own and do not represent any other parties involved.

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