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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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To The Someone I Used To Know

I want to say something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna

One day I woke up
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s

I wanted to try something
because they told me –
‘you never know’

So I tried my best
I gave my all –
I held hope

I didn’t expect to feel
so much, so soon –
anything for anyone

Yet there I was hoping
he would heal me –
mend my broken

I thought it was something
or should I say –
I was someone’s

He made me trust him
think we were different –
like we belonged

Somehow he made it stop
my fear of heartbreak –
fear of loss

Somehow I found the strength
to be only myself –
because of ‘us’

I’ve wanted to say more
and I probably shouldn’t –
so I don’t

But I found myself praying
I woke up wishing –
there was hope

Although he decided to leave
and I’m still hurting –
I’m not afraid

I found myself missing him
and he should know –
it is ok

I need to say something
I’ve kept a secret –
but I’ll share

I once woke up smiling
thinking he might stop –
thinking of her

I may have some regrets
and I won’t mention –
he should’ve stayed

Of course I’d be lying
if I denied wishing –
somewhere, somehow, someday

I will tell you something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna

Today I woke up thinking
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s

Someone who could love me
somewhere safe and warm –
sometime very soon

But the somehow was missing
the somewhere was missing –
He. Someone. You.

  • The Dalema. October 31, 2016.
3

The Space Between

It has nothing to do with you
Everything to do with me
I’m broken and shattered
Yet I ask for the breaking

All my pieces lay strewn about –
Scattered across the floor
Talking to you cuts me
Yet there’s nothing I want more

I can’t say I didn’t try
I don’t think you didn’t care
Too much distance was between us –
I was here, you were there

I want to know what you’re doing
Where you are and who you’re with
I was kidding myself to think
I could easily move on from this.

-The Dalema

0

Dead End

I was a block away from our place
Well, the place that used to be ours
I was being pulled in that direction
But I was afraid you’d be home

I’d imagined myself driving by
And I’d see the front porch light on
The picture windows would show it all –
You, your wife and the kids wearing smiles

I always thought there would be a time
When our paths would unexpectedly cross
I’d be wearing a huge engagement ring 
You’d be looking plump and miserably unhappy

So I pulled up to the light and my blinker was on
But that same pull swept up again
And I put it in reverse and moved to the other lane
Guess I just wasn’t ready to see the truth

I might be living in this city again
The only place I’ve considered home
But to be honest, it wasn’t home because of us
It’s home because of me – I’m glad I kept driving.

  • The Dalema, 10.22.16
8

Darkened Rooms And Closed Doors

I’m going to regret this is the morning. But you’ll thank me someday when we pass each other randomly like strangers. You won’t realize it but you’ll be grateful you don’t remember me, grateful not to remember us.

I want you to know I didn’t run because of you, I ran because of me. I ran because I have feelings and because you let me. And mostly because I want it all and I said I don’t want anything – and I lied.


I’m not made out of mystery. I’m made out of a damage childhood and a long, overwritten story. You don’t want to have to think about this. My chapters aren’t ones you will read. I’m not the one you want – I’m not the girl next door. I’m not rainbows and butterflies; I’m fucked up – I’m damaged. It’s better you know now than to think I’m going to be something I’m not.

If you’ve heard anything, you’ve heard what I’ve said in the secret moments of lust and passion. Do you think a ‘normal’ woman would be the way I am with you behind closed doors? You don’t want me – you don’t want to date me. You don’t want to hear my name. You don’t want to let me love you. You don’t want to be the man to ‘save me’.

I’m fucking jealous – I’m envious. I get clingy. I’m insecure. I have anxiety. I’m an overthinker. I don’t want to have to burden you with all of this. I don’t want you to have to pay for their mistakes – just like I don’t want to pay for hers. So run. Just run. Run while you can – get the fuck away.

I think you already knew – and you pushed me away before I could run. You said you didn’t have feelings for me, you couldn’t be what I deserve. I think you’re lying. I think when someone wants and desires to be with someone – when you find the person so intriguing, so unique and they make you happy – you do whatever it takes. You’re as lost and broken as I am. Fuck, maybe I’m even more lost after you. You’ve had a long, bad relationship with a narcissistic manipulator and I’ve been struggling with all of this my entire life. We cannot compare. We cannot determine who has felt more and who has hurt more. It’s impossible.

I wish I could have known you. I wish you would have let me. But all we will have were those moments of lust and passion behind closed doors in a darkened house. I’d never have known enough about you, I would have always wanted more. Every day. I wouldn’t have changed you, I would have challenged you. That makes a hell of a difference.

But we were strangers who became friends who became lovers. I became a woman who wanted to love you and you became another man to leave me behind. Maybe we were never meant to meet – maybe we were meant for forever. Now we will never know. We were lovers who lost a friendship – we were friends who became strangers. I’ll never forget our time together – all the details about us you won’t remember. I’ll forgive you for forgetting me. I’ll forget the regret I’ll feel in the morning.

  • The Dalema 9.30.16
0

Leap Of Faith

The moments before the jump, you stand still for a second admiring the view, taking in all the beauty surrounding you – wondering how many people will ever or have ever looked at what you’re looking at the way you’re looking at it now.

Slowly, you start inching your way closer to the edge – and then you look down. Whoa! It’s way higher than you thought it would be. Are you going to get hurt? Are you sure you should do this? Once you fling your body over the edge, there’s no turning back – even if you want to. You pause and start to second guess your decision. You’re so close to jumping, are you really going to give up now?!

You’re palms are sweating and your heart is racing – you swallow hard with hesitation and you can feel the tug of your body trying to turn around. You’ve come so close, you’ve worked too hard! You exhale – the words ‘ah fuck it’ sneak from your lips and, before you know it, your heart takes over. It begins pumping adrenaline through your veins as you take in a deep breath, hold it and throw yourself over the edge.

All the emotions; admiration, peace, apprehension and hesitation, uncertainty, fear, joy, anxiety, doubt, excitement, pride, thrill, happiness, giddy exhilaration – those are what you feel during the most crucial, defining and influential moments of your life. I felt those emotions signing the lease to my new apartment, in a new-ish city. I felt those emotions when I accepted a new job offer and sent in my letter of resignation after nine years with a company – and that’s what I’ve felt anytime I’ve met someone who had the potential to break my heart.

I can honestly say after you throw yourself over the edge, after you take in that deep breath and hold it as you fall, you can’t help but exhale in relief. During the laughter, smiles and with the warmth tickling your skin from the adrenaline rush – entranced within the overwhelmingly amazing happiness you find yourself spiraling through – you won’t be able to hold your breath.

The fear literally gets knocked out of you as the pride swells in your chest – making it physically impossible for your heart to feel regret or your mind to have any doubts. Once you hit the water, the cool sensation rushing across your skin becomes so intoxicatingly addicting you’ll swim as fast as you can just to climb back up the hill and do it all, all over again. This time without fear, without hesitation, without doubt – with complete confidence.

Those moments, the most crucial, defining, challenging, emotion-filled and influential moments – they’re addicting.

Know yourself enough to understand when it’s worth the climb, trust your intuition enough to listen when the jump is too steep and be confident enough in yourself to know once you plunge into the water, you’re just going to want to jump in all over again!

  • The Dalema. August 9, 2016
1

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