I’d do it all again –
Run through the pain
Eyes wide open
A million times
Over and over
If it meant –
For one last time
I could fall asleep with you
Laying my head
On your shoulder
- The Dalema. November 9, 2016
The tale of a poor judgment Princess
Choosing the future of her kingdom
All for one, or one for all?
She thought their love was her freedom
Like a damsel in distress
She let her long hair down
Allowing them an opportunity –
To win her heart, earn the crown
They were never knighted
There were no duels for her love
They were thieves, liars and pirates
Yet she’d build their pedestals up
Admiring them like royalty
Wishing to be their ‘dream-come-true’
Although she was already a princess
The mirror needed to see it, too
No matter the stars she wished upon
Or the words from her Fairy Godmother
The next day when she’d wake alone
She knew they never loved her
She never picked the right knight
She never made it on time for the ball
Who the hell leaves a shoe behind?
What is happily-ever-after, after all?
After years of spells and magic
Being fooled over and over again
She gave up hoping to be saved –
The kingdom of her heart left un-enchanted
So here’s to all those pedestals
Tonight I’m burning all of them down
This Princess doesn’t need any saving –
It’s my turn to wear the crown
- The Dalema. November 8, 2016
It was your eyes. They caught my attention. I got to know them well. You have three distinct looks, I know knew them. I knew them because they made up the way you looked at me.
1. The Excited Look.
This look is a toss between the way a little boy’s eyes light up when he sees a fast car for the first time and the intensity you see in the eyes of a reckless daredevil who’s about to break a world record – or the law. The look of excitement, your look of excitement, is was completely intoxicating.
When you get this look in your eyes there’s no stopping you, this is where the risk lives. The young, wild, reckless, free and – of course – extremely happy being single version of you lives in this look. The look of excitement indicates you’re not willing to compromise for anyone.
2. The Look Of Frustration.
The look you get in your eyes when you’re frustrated has a twinge of sadness and a hint of desperation, indicating a thirst for knowledge – determination. It’s the look you get when you’re trying to finish a project but you’re forgetting a part or a step. This look is intimidating – it tells those around you to back off because your short temper is about to come out to play.
Your frustrated look can turn into a very silent but quite deadly look. A look so cold and dark no one in their right mind would want to approach you. After a minute or two, depending on the situation, this look is sealed with a hint of a smile. A mischievous smile pulling a little bit of the excitement out from behind those cold, dark walls. Then your eyes get their twinkle back.
3. The eye roll.
The eye roll is the exit sign, your way out of a conversation or a way to change the topic. It’s your hallway to safety, your way of not being taken too seriously. Your ‘get out of jail free’ card. You do the eye roll when you’ve said something that might offend someone or when you realize you’ve been too inappropriate in a situation or conversation.
The eye roll is used the most by you when you’re recklessly flirting. When the victim she starts to look at you with hope and excitement, with a twinkle in her eye, you use the eye roll to show her you’re not interested. You use it to tell her you were just joking around. The eye roll is your safety vest; it’s the way you stay calm, cool and collected in every challenging situation.
After your eye roll exit, you always revert back to your look of excitement. Then – my favorite part – when you get that twinkle back.
Kind of like the twinkle you would have when you looked at me.
The way you looked at me was what made me stay, made me hold on. The way you looked at me was a contradiction to the things you said – making me feel the way I felt.
The Way You Looked At Me.
Part I. A mix of your excited and frustrated looks. At first glance, your eyes would portray you weren’t sure if you should let me know what was behind them – you didn’t want me to know what was next. Then came the intensity, the intoxicating part, the most dangerous part. The intense look hinted to the twinge of the excitement you have had for me; excitement about what we could’ve been. It was the look that lead me on. It was the look that made me want to open my heart to you.
Part II. Then your stare turned into a look of intensity, frustration and danger, mixed with excitement. The look that made me melt into your arms. The look you gave me with a mischievous hint of a smile kept me lingering. It was the look that gave me hope. The look that made me think one day, somehow, I might have been the reason behind your smile – the only woman you would give that smile to.
Part III. But then, all those looks; the intoxicatingly dangerous excitement, the frustration, the intensity – the hope – faded away. You completed the way you looked at me with the eye roll. The open door implying you might have let me walk through, into your heart, would close. No matter how hard I tried to walk through, no matter how fast I’d walk or how far open that door would be, you always met me before I entered. You’d always stop me. The way you looked at me would always, in the hallway to your heart, end in an eye roll leading to the exit sign – and you’d escort me out.
When you did this my heart would stop. The butterflies would subside, and I’d be left feeling like the air was just knocked out of my lungs. The eye roll was your way of telling me you meant what you said; we were what we were and we wouldn’t be anything more. You meant what you said when you said you didn’t feel a thing. It indicated you didn’t take me seriously when I said I wouldn’t hurt you. You didn’t believe me.
The Way You Look At Me Now.
I’m no longer familiar with the way you used to look at me – I only know the way you look at me now. Our eyes have become strangers, your gaze moves past me – I’m not even sure you see me anymore. Because now, the way you look at me says you don’t feel anything for me. You don’t take me seriously when I say I won’t hurt you.It says, no matter how many glances you send in my direction, I’m not the only woman to receive them. I’m not, I wasn’t and won’t be, the reason behind your mischievous smile.
But me? I still get caught in your eyes. I get caught in the hope of getting lost in them, caught in the hope that you might get lost in mine. When you see my eyes twinkle, when you see my lingering gaze in your direction, I see your eyes roll, reminding me –
Each and every time you find me, you’ll walk me out.
- The Dalema. September, 2015
You made me happy. You gave me hope and allowed me to build expectations. I became accustomed to having you in my life – accustomed to the effortless smiles you gave me. Then, like the bottles of cheap wine at the end of a girl’s night, you left me feeling empty and completely disposable. You walked away. You made it look easy – no hesitation, no looking back and not an ounce of remorse. Just like the mornings after those girls nights, I’m left wondering what happened; my head is pounding and I’m lying here wondering why the hell I put myself through this. Will I ever learn? Absofuckinglutely – and I hope you do, too.
To the men who found me easy to leave, there are ten things I hope you learn:
1. Honesty.
I didn’t keep anything from you. I shared details of my past – details of my successes and failures. I told you my goals and dreams. I was honest with you about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. You said you were doing the same. You claimed to be honest with me about your intentions and you said you cared. You lied.
2. Courtesy.
I wonder when you realized you didn’t want to be with me. I wonder what happened to make you give up. You left me wondering a lot of things, like why you couldn’t give me reasons – why you couldn’t show me the courtesy of goodbye.
3. Value.
I’m a catch. I’m not saying that to try and convince you and I’m not saying it to make myself feel better. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I’m strong, successful, smart, independent and genuine. I love with all of my heart – even after it’s been broken, which makes me worthy of love. A love you didn’t deserve – a love you wouldn’t have ever fully appreciated because you didn’t realize its value.
4. Strength.
I thought things were different with us. I felt I was finally at a place in my life where the timing was right. We were going slow, building a friendship and being honest – I was finally doing things right. I was wrong. You’re a coward for allowing me to feel these feelings for you and not having any intentions of feeling them back. I’m a strong woman who wants to stand beside a strong man; you’re weak.
5. Pride.
You knew what I went through. You knew what other men had done to me and how they hurt me – you knew and you did the exact same. Shame on you for that. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You wanted to be a part of my life, I just didn’t know you wanted to be another painful memory.
6. Victory.
Did being with me build your confidence? Because it destroyed mine, you woke all my insecurities. All the initial effort you put into convincing me I was important to you – was it all a game? Did you do it just to see if you could win? Congratulations – victory is yours! I lost my confidence and you won this ‘game’.
7. Sympathy.
I feel sorry for you. You won’t meet a woman who’s so easy-going and understanding; a woman who wants you, makes you feel needed and listens to you – genuinely listens. I’m not a dime a dozen, I’m rare. When you realize this, it will be too late. I feel sorry for you.
8. Forgiveness.
You’re forgiven. Not because you deserve it, but because I do. I’ve held on to the pain you caused, I’ve held on to the times we shared – those times I can’t seem to forget but you can’t seem to remember. Holding on has only held me back. I forgive you because I deserve to let go of the idea of what could have been. I forgive you for finding me forgettable.
9. Gratitude.
Not that you deserve it, but thank you. I thank you for allowing me the opportunity and availability to meet someone who isn’t such a coward, someone who’s man enough to love me the way I deserve. Someone who appreciates my loyalty and is grateful to be with a woman as genuine as I am.
10. Love.
Even though you hurt me, I still wish you the best. I hope love finds you. I hope it’s the type of love that makes you reflect on the love I gave you so freely – without hesitation or reciprocation – and I hope it makes you appreciate her even more. I hope she makes you feel valued, I hope she sympathizes with you when you’re hurting and I hope she feels lucky to be with you.
If someone leaves you, I hope they’re courteous and honest enough to tell you why. I hope they don’t leave you feeling insecure, disposable and as worthless as you made me feel. I hope no one ever makes you feel like you’re easy to leave.
I’m going to regret this is the morning. But you’ll thank me someday when we pass each other randomly like strangers. You won’t realize it but you’ll be grateful you don’t remember me, grateful not to remember us.
I want you to know I didn’t run because of you, I ran because of me. I ran because I have feelings and because you let me. And mostly because I want it all and I said I don’t want anything – and I lied.
I’m not made out of mystery. I’m made out of a damage childhood and a long, overwritten story. You don’t want to have to think about this. My chapters aren’t ones you will read. I’m not the one you want – I’m not the girl next door. I’m not rainbows and butterflies; I’m fucked up – I’m damaged. It’s better you know now than to think I’m going to be something I’m not.
If you’ve heard anything, you’ve heard what I’ve said in the secret moments of lust and passion. Do you think a ‘normal’ woman would be the way I am with you behind closed doors? You don’t want me – you don’t want to date me. You don’t want to hear my name. You don’t want to let me love you. You don’t want to be the man to ‘save me’.
I’m fucking jealous – I’m envious. I get clingy. I’m insecure. I have anxiety. I’m an overthinker. I don’t want to have to burden you with all of this. I don’t want you to have to pay for their mistakes – just like I don’t want to pay for hers. So run. Just run. Run while you can – get the fuck away.
I think you already knew – and you pushed me away before I could run. You said you didn’t have feelings for me, you couldn’t be what I deserve. I think you’re lying. I think when someone wants and desires to be with someone – when you find the person so intriguing, so unique and they make you happy – you do whatever it takes. You’re as lost and broken as I am. Fuck, maybe I’m even more lost after you. You’ve had a long, bad relationship with a narcissistic manipulator and I’ve been struggling with all of this my entire life. We cannot compare. We cannot determine who has felt more and who has hurt more. It’s impossible.
I wish I could have known you. I wish you would have let me. But all we will have were those moments of lust and passion behind closed doors in a darkened house. I’d never have known enough about you, I would have always wanted more. Every day. I wouldn’t have changed you, I would have challenged you. That makes a hell of a difference.
But we were strangers who became friends who became lovers. I became a woman who wanted to love you and you became another man to leave me behind. Maybe we were never meant to meet – maybe we were meant for forever. Now we will never know. We were lovers who lost a friendship – we were friends who became strangers. I’ll never forget our time together – all the details about us you won’t remember. I’ll forgive you for forgetting me. I’ll forget the regret I’ll feel in the morning.
- The Dalema 9.30.16
The Dalema 