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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Addiction

Poisoned Pain

It’s not a shadow
It’s not a dream
More like a monster –
That version of me

I sip the poison
It flows through my veins
Reminding my heart
How I crave you again

So the monster takes over
And I do these things
I hurt myself all over again
It’s embarrassing

And I don’t get embarrassed
I don’t have regrets
But then pain meets poison
They become best friends

So I dialed your number
Saying everything, but nothing at all
I apologize for being a monster
It wasn’t me – it was alcohol

  • The Dalema

Part II 

You were like a fine wine
I couldn’t afford
And every time I saw the bottle
It made me want it more

I could see you in my glass
The mood set by candlelight
Scared of what I knew was coming
I told myself ‘afford it tonight’

Tell the server to leave the cork
Then swirl, inhale – take a sip
Close my eyes and let them rest
Indulging in the lusciousness

Getting lost in the shades of grape
Tracing the rim with my fingertips
Before I knew it the bottle was empty –
Leaving purple stains on my lips

  • The Dalema. November 6, 2016

Home Sweet Home

It’s a love of comfort, a love of familiarity – it’s a love you feel when you’re home.

A letter to an old love. An addiction I somehow overcame.

I gave in again. I keep telling myself it will be the last time. Why are you a weakness for me? I know we won’t be together, especially now when you’ve committed to her. You love her – you talk about her all the time. You tell the world how amazing she is and how happy she makes you. If that’s true how can you still want me? How can you still kiss me and be intimate with me? Why do I let myself love you? Do I love you?

The older I get and the more ‘love’ I feel, the more I realize how many different types of love are out there. The love I have for you isn’t the smitten, butterfly-feeling, puppy-love. It’s not the ‘I want to be with you forever and have kids with you’ kind of love. It’s not an in-love kind of love. It’s a love of comfort, a love of familiarity – it’s a love you feel when you’re home. There’s a sense of familiarity when our bodies entwine themselves together. There’s a comfort in the way you make me smile. There’s feelings of trust I don’t have with anyone else. You’re one of my best friends. I can talk to you about anything and you don’t judge me. You only speak the truth to me, even if it hurts – especially if it hurts.

But you can’t love me – there’s no way. You can’t love me if you continuously allow me to be yours whenever it’s convenient for you but only give yourself to me physically. You love yourself. It’s your biggest downfall. We need to stop doing this. It’s not fair to me and it’s definitely not fair to her. It’s been months of this. You broke my heart in a million pieces once and I stopped the ‘being in love’ part of loving you. I pushed you away and said I was done. Then we started again somehow – you and I both always try to end this. But here we are, giving in again. I wonder if this was the last time, I think we need for it to be. But the thought of not being with you again hurts me in a different kind of way.

It’s not the makes-me-cry kind of hurt. It’s not the kind of hurt where I need a night out with the girls or a rebound hookup kind of hurt. It’s the kind of hurt that punches you in the gut and leaves you feeling empty.

So I don’t think this was the last time. I don’t want to stop giving into you – not yet. Not until I know why you say you love me when you’re making love to me. Not until I know why we miss each other when it’s been some time since we’ve spent time together. I won’t stop giving into you until I know why you chose to give yourself to her and not to me. I’m not ready for our goodbye. If I’m being honest, I’ll never be satisfied with us just being friends.

You’re my safety – you feel like home to me – and there’s no place like home. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else. How can I? My walls are built and my doors are locked and you’re the only one who has the key.

  • The Dalema, 2015

Gambling At Happiness

Do you ever feel like you’ve lost your way?
When you choose to stay quiet with things left to say
When you’re alone again at the end of the day
Everyone leaves and you want them to stay

Do you know you have what it takes?
When your choices could be a huge mistake
When it’s a move you know you have to make
Wanting a change, needing a break

Do you feel like there’s things you’d undo?
When the ones you want don’t want you
When you’re wrong no matter what you do
And the walls you’ve built, no one can break through

Do you ever wonder if you’re enough?
When wanting love becomes too much
When you crave affection with no one to touch
And your hearts made of coal, burnt to dust

Do you think your goals can be achieved?
When you lose who you are chasing a dream
When you try and try but there’s still no succeeding
And your past just seems to keep repeating

Do you ever feel like giving up?
When the bridges break and times get tough
When the roads you take don’t lead to much
If happiness is a bet, I’m out of luck

– Danyle L. M.

Kentucky Bourbon

A date with old bourbon, a friend from Kentucky
It’s been a long time since he’s said hello
Takeout Chinese food and fortune cookies
The candles are lit and the lights are down low

I’ll wear your hoodie ’till I wear out your scent
I’ve locked myself in until the feelings are gone
A weekend full of erasing – it’s time to forget
No denying what I should’ve known all along

You snuck into my life like a whispered secret
An unexpected song with a catchy melody
I really thought that we were going to make it
You unlocked my heart without having a key

I showed you parts of me no one has seen
You stole my heart by getting to know my soul
I trusted you without you having to ask me
The sound of your laugh made me lose control

I’ll wear your hoodie ’till I wear out your scent
I’ve locked myself in until the feelings are gone
A weekend full of erasing – it’s time to forget
No denying what I should’ve known all along

You were everything I never knew I wanted
Who and what I needed when I needed you most
It’s hard to believe all that has been forgotten
You broke my walls down then decided to go

So as I sit here with all I have left of you –
A hoodie, dried flowers and texts of admiration
I’ll remember what you once felt, too –
Before you stopped feeling our connection

I’ll wear your hoodie ’till I wear out your scent
I’ve locked myself in until the feelings are gone
A weekend full of erasing – it’s time to forget
No denying what I should’ve known all along

My friend, old bourbon, is starting to pinch me
He told me all the things I needed to hear
He showed me loving you is an addiction
Worse than pain pills, gambling, sex or beer

I guess there’s no understanding what happened
No moment or words I should have changed
I’m just left with the ‘what-could-have-been’s
And a heart filled with emptiness and pain

So I’ll wear your hoodie ’till I wear out your scent
I’ve locked myself in until the feelings are gone
A weekend full of erasing – it’s time to forget
No denying what I should’ve known all along

The sunrise has peaked through my windows
The weekend has passed, my feelings stayed
I’ve unlocked my door, your memory won’t go
Even Kentucky bourbon can’t drink you away

  • The Dalema. May 11, 2016.

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