Then there are days when the heart keeps breaking
You breathe in deep but there’s no use faking
My heart wants what it’s holding on to
But there will never be another you.
- The Dalema, 2015
It’s just what I do – I cut people from my life and I run. I run as far away as fast as I can. Because that betrayal, that hurt – it reminds me of a time and place. A place I can’t go to, a way I can’t let myself feel. It’s so dark that it rips pieces and parts of your soul so deep that even if you could, you would never want to feel again.
Running from that place and cutting that darkness from your life – it’s the only way you’ll survive. Sometimes doors are closed, the handles are locked, the deadbolts are switched and the hinges are glued because it’s a place you can never see. If you let yourself go back there – you’ll never find yourself again. You’ll be so lost in the darkness, you’ll forget what light was like. You’ll feel so much pain that you’ll beg for someone to put an end to it all. You’d rather feel nothing than ever feel that way again.
So I run. I run as far away as fast as I can. Even if I have nothing to run to. It’s time to put my running shoes on – I’m ready to chase the pavement.
Sometimes we give our all and then
There’s nothing left to give
Nothing worth holding on to
Left wondering when things changed
To lose passion is to lose myself
Say it all, say anything
But I have to say
Goodbye
Take the path that’s laid out for you
Graduate high school – college too
Find a career that’s in your field
Save for a home and close the deal
Wait for ‘true love’ before getting married
Tie the knot then have a baby
Live happily ever after, that’s it – the end
The American Dream. Follow the trend
I walked the path, the yellow brick road
I followed the rules – did as I was told
I played the part of the girl next door
It’s just not enough for me, not anymore
Seven days a week, it’s all the same
Wakeup with resistance & pray for change
Pay your bills. Save what’s left
Hope for a miracle to get out of debt
Had I known then what I know now
I would have cleared my own path somehow
I’d take more time mapping out my dreams
Figuring out who it is I wanted to be
I would have went to college further away
I wouldn’t have partied on thirsty Thursdays
I’d never have signed up for credit cards
I wouldn’t let boys play with my heart
So what can I do? Where do I start?
This is my life – I want the lead part!
I’m not stage props or background music
It’s time to pave my own path – time to choose it.
- The Dalema. February 15, 2016
I often find myself wishing for happiness. I try to find it in my possessions, getting lost in keepsakes and memorabilia, I even search for it while recapping the events of the day. Sometimes I’ll scroll through old Facebook pics or dig out an old scrapbook. I’ll think, “How did I let myself fall out of happiness?” Or, “Was I even happy in this pic?”.
In life people think that happiness is a place; when you find it you sit down and you camp there. You don’t want to leave – you fight it, you do. But you end up leaving, you have to.
I don’t think happiness is a place – I think happiness is a moment in time, or rather moments in time that are linked. There are moments of happy that you want to stay in forever, moments that you grasp when you are at your worst. These moments can last, too. People think a moment is a second but really it’s any portion of time; the memory and feelings with that moment are what determine the length of it to you.
I think that’s why people have such a hard time letting go of the past – because what they’re doing is holding on to those built-up moments. Those moments that they want to get lost in, those moments they want to create again, because those moments of happy are sometimes all they have.
There’s no way of recreating the past – of reliving that moment of happy. Those moments are gone and they turn in to memories. So – it’s ok to get lost in the memories; close your eyes and capture those moments. Try to let your mind wander back. When they’re gone, they’re gone forever.
When you find yourself having one of those moments you’ll someday look back on and wish you could be lost in again; make sure you live in the moment. This is it. This is the only moment of this happy that you’ll get. So cherish it, cannon ball in it! Look up from it and think, “Damn. Where did the time go? I didn’t even notice. I was too caught up in being happy!”.
The Dalema 
