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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Dinner

There wasn’t awkward silence. There wasn’t music in the background. No butterflies or a goodnight kiss. There was just good conversation, good food and some laughs. I’d give it 7/10 for a first date.

It’s been three or four months since my last date, and that was when I flew to a different state to visit a guy I had been talking to for a few months. Two very different situations. I have to say, all in all, it went well. He’s a nice guy and I think we will go out again, but I don’t think we will be more than friends.

Here’s the challenge: I’ve been through a lot this year (already) and last year too – especially in the relationship (situationship) department. My heart is guarded. As much as I want to dive in to something with someone and allow myself to ‘love’ again, I’m not going to – I’m just not ready.

We talked about a lot on our date, he could tell I’m not in a place to be with someone. He’s understanding – as nice guys always are – and would still like to see me again, even if just as friends.

Dating is difficult because we meet people like ‘the nice guy’ and we try to have feelings for them, but we can’t. Then, we meet the ‘bad boy’ who isn’t relationship material and fall in bed with for them and they break our hearts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall for bad boys on purpose – I just have a type. My type? Tall, dark hair, athletic, confident, sarcastic, funny – sometimes with a beard – great smile, dark eyes and muscular. It’s not my fault the ones I’ve met so far haven’t been emotionally able to commit to me!

If love is real, why does it have to hurt so much? Shouldn’t it be simple? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy so she says yes. Boy and girl go to dinner and have a great time. They go out again and again because boy calls girl and asks her out when he says he will. Girl tells boy when he makes her mad and boy does the same. They get married and have lots of sex.

They make a beautiful little family and live in a happy little home. Of course they have challenges every now and then, but they talk them out and work through them together. Their happy little children see them live their lives this way and, in turn, live their lives the same way. So, they grow up and have happy relationships too. The end.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, but that’s not how it is.

I’ll stay friends with nice guy and keep my heart guarded. I’ll say no to the ‘bad boy’ because, even though he’s what my body wants, he’s not what my heart needs. All the while I’ll try and stay hopeful there’s a man – yes, a man – out there that’s a perfect blend of nice and bad (nad or bice). Someone good for my heart and body. When I meet him I’ll say yes; yes I’ll go out with you, yes I’ll let you in to my heart – YES I’ll be myself with you.

We will go on lots of dates, have lots of sex, get married and live happily ever after.

The end.

  • The Dalema. February 4, 2016.
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Battles with Insomnia 

The dilemma of exhaustion. Late at night, when my eyes are heavy and I should be sleeping, each blink is a battle. I’m fighting a war against my dreams – I’m fighting to stay awake. I’m terrified of my dreams – yes, my dreams – not my nightmares.

My dreams are beautiful. Filled with love, hope and warmth. Dreams of better days where I’m living in a place I love, working a career I love – in a body I love. After my perfect workday is complete, I go home to a family who is ecstatic to see me.

No, it’s not my nightmares terrifying me – it’s not nightmares keeping me awake. It’s my dreams. Because when I wake from them the next morning, I wake to the harsh reality they were only dreams; dreams in a far away place I can only go to at night while I sleep alone. When I wake up, I wake up happy and when I realize it’s not real I start the day with a broken heart.

Every night I continue my fight, the battle of insomnia. When my eyes can’t stay open any longer – when they finally give in and close – I can only wish for kindness from my subconscious mind. I can only hope it will be kind enough to allow me a nightmare, just for tonight.

  • The Dalema. February 3, 2016
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A Woman of Love

My dilemma? I’m a woman of love. I long for love; self love, love of my career and to be in love with someone (and have that love returned). When I woke up this morning I realized I’m missing love from my life.

I used to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym, then I’d meal prep and get ready for work. I’d walk into work excited for the day, for the challenges I’d face. I loved feeling caught up the tasks; so overwhelmed by my work load that, by the time I could catch a breath, it was already well passed the end of my work day. I used to feel so much pride; pride from my work, my health and fitness – pride in who I was.

I can’t pin-point exactly when my habits changed. I tried, exhaustingly, to form new ones. I tried to get back into doing what I had done for so long. But there wasn’t any light to be found in my darkness. There wasn’t any flicker of motivation or hope. There was just the underlying question of who the f*** had I become?

Now I’m staring at a grey canvas. Not the light grey that calms and soothes you, not the dark grey that shows in the sky before a storm. It’s the kind of grey found on the wallpaper in church basements – the old looking grey with a twinge of yellow; the kind of grey that never sees the sun.

My life, right now, is a grey canvas. It terrifies me – I’m stuck staring at a grey canvas begging God to splash some sort of color on it, something – anything, to motivate me again. Because this life I’m living without love; love of self, love of my career – the slightest possibility of love from another – just won’t do.

  • The Dalema. January 28, 2016
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