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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Reasons I Don’t Deserve to Date

Dating, my least favorite word in the history of words ever, of all time. I hate it more than ‘moist’, ‘crusty’, ‘crevice’, ‘splurge’ and ‘gooey’. No need to question the gulps of hatorade I’m chugging in order to choke down the feelings I have on dating – I’ve earned my right to hate. After seven years of all kinds of dating: online dating, blind dates, casual dating, bar-scene-dating, the ‘my friend has a friend whose cousin is single and nice’ dating, the ‘he’s not my type but I’ll give it a try’ dating, etc. – the list is never ending. I’ve realized after all these years, it really wasn’t them – it was me.

I don’t deserve to date. Here’s why:

1. I’m Honest.
If you ask me a question, I’ll give you an answer – an honest answer. I won’t lie – I won’t toy with you or answer pretending to be the chick I think you might want me to be, and I definitely won’t sugar coat it. I will be straight up, to the point and answer with nothing but the truth. I don’t care if you ask me how I like my eggs, what my biggest fear is or where the craziest place I’ve had sex was (omg don’t act so shocked – seven years of dating, of course I’m going to have at least one crazy story).

Honesty has no place in dating today. You’ve got to play the game; if he asks you out, tell him you’re busy (even when you’re completely, not even watching Netflix, available). If she texts you first – wait an hour to respond. Oh and don’t forget – be super vague and short with your response. Appear uninterested unless she’s uninterested, then you need to get her interested again to be able to show her how uninterested in her you are! (Yes, that’s a play off of the classic ‘Wedding Crashers’ scene). Apparently, it’s all about the chase – and honesty doesn’t need chasing. Honesty needs understanding and attention; two things that do not fit, and aren’t freely given, in today’s standards of dating.

2. I’m Loyal.
If I make plans with you or say I’m available on a specific day, I’ll keep those plans and/or that date available for you. If we talk about ‘getting together sometime’ or ‘meeting up’, you bet your sweet ass I’m going to actually assume we are meeting up. And wait – hold on to your seat for this one – if I’m ‘dating’ you, I’m actually only DATING you.

That’s right everyone – I’m loyal! I don’t have the time, energy or desire to try and ‘play the field’. It’s an extremely rare occurrence for me to find someone I’m actually interested in. So when I do find someone that piques my interest, someone who is worth taking the time to get to know and ‘date’, I like to focus on that one person and actually be honest with them about who I am and what I’m interested in. Honesty – please see #1, second paragraph.

3. I’m Genuine
Here’s a crazy thought (that might actually make sense if you fully read through points #1 & #2), I mean what I say, I say what I mean and I freaking care. Do I care too much sometimes for people who don’t deserve it? Absolutely. Us genuine people tend to do that. But here’s also a remarkable thought – being genuine means you care about the well being of another person. You want the best for that person. You want to help that person become the best version of themselves. You care about that person. Being genuine is a bitch.

When dating today, being genuine is misconstrued as being ‘too into’ someone. Being genuine might be taken as ‘clingy’ or ‘being a hopeless romantic with unrealistic standards’. When they’re having a bad day, you want to comfort them and want to understand what’s going wrong; you actually CARE when you ask. If they’re hungry or having an urge to do something fun – like, I don’t know, maybe get outside, enjoy the weather – you might genuinely care enough to pack a picnic basket and take them on a hiking adventure in the park. Whoa, hopeless romantic?!? NOPE – just a normal person who genuinely cares. And guess who doesn’t have time for that? Any form of dating in 2016.

4. I’m Old Fashioned
Now, now – I know what you’re thinking, “How can you be old fashioned if you’re talking about ‘craziest places you’ve had sex’ in point #1?” I’m not talking old fashioned like he picks me up at my parents house and I make him help my mom churn butter before dinner while my dad loads his shotgun and sharpens the shovel. I’m talking about old fashioned as in he picks me up at my house, knocks on the door (fuck the horn honk or the ‘here’ text message), and asks me if I’m ready to go to dinner. Then, another crazy thought, we sit through an entire meal (not apps and drinks) and just talk. We talk about who we are, what we like (not sexually), and then – HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS AGAIN FOLKS – he takes me home and doesn’t try to get inside my place (or my pants).

Old fashioned doesn’t work when dating today. Most ‘getting to know one another’ conversations aren’t conversations at all. Someone’s snapping the other person and tagging them in funny memes on Instagram, while the other person is meticulously continuing their left-swipe-affair with Tinder. All the while, these two people are just wasting their time and finding absolutely nothing out about one another. Sure, he’s most likely sent her a dick pic in the first days’ text exchange (why by the way, why?!?! Please sweet baby cheeses, can we please stop this disgusting habit?!), but personally, I’d like to know the color of your eyes and maybe your middle name before I know how many inches long you are at a completely-not-shown-to-scale picture of you at your ‘happiest’.

5. I’m Selfish & Confident(ish)
Here’s the big one, my ‘ah-ha!’ factor to why I do not deserve to date. I’m selfish and (most of the time) confident-ish. I’ll explain the aforementioned ‘ish’ in a moment. I’m selfish, so selfish, that I’ll want you to myself. I will want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. I’ll want to be someone you look forward to spending time with. I’ll, SO SELFISHLY, want to be the only person you’re dating because then I’ll know (and have no reason to overthink or second guess) we are both putting equal amounts of effort into this all-too-difficult-for-no-reason-dating-thing we are doing. Why? Because we are both so ridiculous that we will actually want to genuinely, loyally and honestly get to know one another. I’m so selfish that I’ll want to put some of my daily focus into making you happy – I’ll want to be the reason your bad days are better. I’ll selfishly want to share all the good things and bad things that might have happened in my day with you, too. And, selfishly, I’ll want to call you mine because you’re amazing, smart, cute and funny; and here I am – all of that and more – and I’ll actually want YOU to call ME yours, too!

I’m selfish & confident-ish. I say ‘ish’ because, after seven years of torture – I mean dating, I’ve finally realized what I do and do not deserve. I can honestly, with the upmost confidence, say I do NOT deserve to date!! I don’t deserve to have to lie to someone and trick them into dating me. I don’t deserve to have to pretend to be busy or pretend to be seeing other people only to try and make you jealous and chase after me to win my affection. I don’t deserve to go on dates, spend my precious time getting to know you – and allow you to get to know me – if you have no intentions of being loyal. I do not deserve to allow you to sleep with me and have all the benefits of a relationship when we are just ‘dating’.

I don’t deserve to date because I’m old fashioned and, to me, dating someone means you are trying with them – with only them – to see if the two of you could be compatible; two people who might actually laugh together, create memories together, sleep together and – eventually – fully commit to a relationship because things are going so well! Oh, what’s that? A friendship developed, too?!? THAT’S INSANE! Why the hell would you want to be in a relationship with someone that makes you smile, understands you, brings out the best in you and is one of your friends?!? Of course you should just keep ‘dating’ so they have the opportunity AND availability to potentially meet someone else.

I’m honest, genuine, loyal, old fashioned and – above all else – I’m selfish. And because of these things, I just don’t deserve to date.

– Danyle L. M. (9/8/2016)

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Dumbbells & Booty Calls

For him it was purely physical;
for her it would never be enough.
Because if she has to work so hard for her body,
why doesn’t he?
A few texts and she’s giving it to him
like he’s earned it.
We accept the love we think we deserve,
and she finally knows
she deserves better.

  • The Dalema. June 11, 2015.
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Dinner

There wasn’t awkward silence. There wasn’t music in the background. No butterflies or a goodnight kiss. There was just good conversation, good food and some laughs. I’d give it 7/10 for a first date.

It’s been three or four months since my last date, and that was when I flew to a different state to visit a guy I had been talking to for a few months. Two very different situations. I have to say, all in all, it went well. He’s a nice guy and I think we will go out again, but I don’t think we will be more than friends.

Here’s the challenge: I’ve been through a lot this year (already) and last year too – especially in the relationship (situationship) department. My heart is guarded. As much as I want to dive in to something with someone and allow myself to ‘love’ again, I’m not going to – I’m just not ready.

We talked about a lot on our date, he could tell I’m not in a place to be with someone. He’s understanding – as nice guys always are – and would still like to see me again, even if just as friends.

Dating is difficult because we meet people like ‘the nice guy’ and we try to have feelings for them, but we can’t. Then, we meet the ‘bad boy’ who isn’t relationship material and fall in bed with for them and they break our hearts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall for bad boys on purpose – I just have a type. My type? Tall, dark hair, athletic, confident, sarcastic, funny – sometimes with a beard – great smile, dark eyes and muscular. It’s not my fault the ones I’ve met so far haven’t been emotionally able to commit to me!

If love is real, why does it have to hurt so much? Shouldn’t it be simple? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy so she says yes. Boy and girl go to dinner and have a great time. They go out again and again because boy calls girl and asks her out when he says he will. Girl tells boy when he makes her mad and boy does the same. They get married and have lots of sex.

They make a beautiful little family and live in a happy little home. Of course they have challenges every now and then, but they talk them out and work through them together. Their happy little children see them live their lives this way and, in turn, live their lives the same way. So, they grow up and have happy relationships too. The end.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, but that’s not how it is.

I’ll stay friends with nice guy and keep my heart guarded. I’ll say no to the ‘bad boy’ because, even though he’s what my body wants, he’s not what my heart needs. All the while I’ll try and stay hopeful there’s a man – yes, a man – out there that’s a perfect blend of nice and bad (nad or bice). Someone good for my heart and body. When I meet him I’ll say yes; yes I’ll go out with you, yes I’ll let you in to my heart – YES I’ll be myself with you.

We will go on lots of dates, have lots of sex, get married and live happily ever after.

The end.

  • The Dalema. February 4, 2016.
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Men Lessons of 2015

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So here’s the dilemma; it’s impossible to enjoy the moment and move on to whatever your future holds if you’re stuck in the past. New Year’s is all about a fresh start, a clean slate. But sometimes it’s best to reflect before wiping the slate clean. I have a tendency, as I’m sure some of you do as well, to hold on to the memories and ‘what went wrong’s’ of the previous men I’ve ‘dated’. I say ‘dated’ because it was more of a situationship than a relationship – all of the perks of being committed to someone, and a relationship, without actually having them commit to me. So I’m going to reflect back on things one last time, then I’m going to let go. End of, no turning back.

Mr. January**
I learned my true comfort level behind closed doors. I became in touch with a side of myself I didn’t know I had – and a side that I’ll never hide again. However, he taught me that my body is not something to be given away freely. He taught me that if a man says he doesn’t feel something for you, take his word for it. He proved to me that men can really only want sex and they can do so without feeling a drop of affection for you.

Mr. March**
I learned that men can lie right to your face. It’s ok to keep your guard up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice – or three times – shame on me. He taught me that once a man is a cheater, generally, he’s always a cheater. (Remember – you’re always the rule, not the exception.*) Never trust a liar. He also taught me that I love being kissed on the forehead. He showed me that I enjoy actually watching Netflix and chilling with a guy without it leading to sex.

Mr. June**
I learned that it’s ok to be wild and free. It’s ok to give in to desire and temptation. Who said we have to act our age? He taught me that a friendship can bloom from lust. He taught me that I can fall in love with someone, get hurt by them, fall out of love with them and still remain friends. He also showed me that men can be very manipulative and cold if they want sex. He showed me that there are still ways my heart can break. Age is just a number but it does affect compatibility – especially depending on where the person’s at in their life. He taught me all the reasons it can’t work for me and a younger guy. But he also taught me that it’s ok to say no to men (the good ones will stick around), it’s ok to put myself first and that I’m way too nice.

Mr. July**
I learned that, no matter how broken my heart is, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. I’ll always follow my heart; even if it leads me to a different state randomly for a long weekend. He taught me that men will show you what they like, and don’t like, without saying much. He taught me that men are creatures of habit. If they do something once, like – let’s just say – ghost on you, they’ll do it again and again. But more importantly, he showed me what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship again – if even just for a few days. He also taught me that men have absolutely no trouble leaving without a reason. No trouble throwing you away like you meant nothing at all to them – regardless of how much they mean(t) to you.

Yet here I am – still thinking of them. It just goes to show you – not all men are the same; they can all f*** up something great with someone great, but in totally different ways.

Referring to my bible, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, by: Greg Behrendt, Simon Spotlight Entertainment 2009

**All names were changed to protect the identity of the individuals. The opinions expressed above are solely my own and do not represent any other parties involved.

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