The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



To The Men Who Found Me Easy To Leave

You made me happy. You gave me hope and allowed me to build expectations. I became accustomed to having you in my life – accustomed to the effortless smiles you gave me. Then, like the bottles of cheap wine at the end of a girl’s night, you left me feeling empty and completely disposable. You walked away. You made it look easy – no hesitation, no looking back and not an ounce of remorse. Just like the mornings after those girls nights, I’m left wondering what happened; my head is pounding and I’m lying here wondering why the hell I put myself through this. Will I ever learn? Absofuckinglutely – and I hope you do, too.

To the men who found me easy to leave, there are ten things I hope you learn:

1. Honesty.
I didn’t keep anything from you. I shared details of my past – details of my successes and failures. I told you my goals and dreams. I was honest with you about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. You said you were doing the same. You claimed to be honest with me about your intentions and you said you cared. You lied.

2. Courtesy.
I wonder when you realized you didn’t want to be with me. I wonder what happened to make you give up. You left me wondering a lot of things, like why you couldn’t give me reasons – why you couldn’t show me the courtesy of goodbye.

3. Value.
I’m a catch. I’m not saying that to try and convince you and I’m not saying it to make myself feel better. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I’m strong, successful, smart, independent and genuine. I love with all of my heart – even after it’s been broken, which makes me worthy of love. A love you didn’t deserve – a love you wouldn’t have ever fully appreciated because you didn’t realize its value.

4. Strength.
I thought things were different with us. I felt I was finally at a place in my life where the timing was right. We were going slow, building a friendship and being honest – I was finally doing things right. I was wrong. You’re a coward for allowing me to feel these feelings for you and not having any intentions of feeling them back. I’m a strong woman who wants to stand beside a strong man; you’re weak.

5. Pride.
You knew what I went through. You knew what other men had done to me and how they hurt me – you knew and you did the exact same. Shame on you for that. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You wanted to be a part of my life, I just didn’t know you wanted to be another painful memory.

6. Victory.
Did being with me build your confidence? Because it destroyed mine, you woke all my insecurities. All the initial effort you put into convincing me I was important to you – was it all a game? Did you do it just to see if you could win? Congratulations – victory is yours! I lost my confidence and you won this ‘game’.

7. Sympathy.
I feel sorry for you. You won’t meet a woman who’s so easy-going and understanding; a woman who wants you, makes you feel needed and listens to you – genuinely listens. I’m not a dime a dozen, I’m rare. When you realize this, it will be too late. I feel sorry for you.

8. Forgiveness.
You’re forgiven. Not because you deserve it, but because I do. I’ve held on to the pain you caused, I’ve held on to the times we shared – those times I can’t seem to forget but you can’t seem to remember. Holding on has only held me back. I forgive you because I deserve to let go of the idea of what could have been. I forgive you for finding me forgettable.

9. Gratitude.
Not that you deserve it, but thank you. I thank you for allowing me the opportunity and availability to meet someone who isn’t such a coward, someone who’s man enough to love me the way I deserve. Someone who appreciates my loyalty and is grateful to be with a woman as genuine as I am.

10. Love.
Even though you hurt me, I still wish you the best. I hope love finds you. I hope it’s the type of love that makes you reflect on the love I gave you so freely – without hesitation or reciprocation – and I hope it makes you appreciate her even more. I hope she makes you feel valued, I hope she sympathizes with you when you’re hurting and I hope she feels lucky to be with you.

If someone leaves you, I hope they’re courteous and honest enough to tell you why. I hope they don’t leave you feeling insecure, disposable and as worthless as you made me feel. I hope no one ever makes you feel like you’re easy to leave.

It Is What It Is

She wasn’t the type to wish away the past, because she thought the past made her exactly who she was. She wasn’t the type who had regrets, who would change things if she could. She wasn’t the type to move on without having learned from the situation.

She was the type to grow from every broken heart, to become a better woman from every ‘what if’. She was the type to build strength from weakness.

But with you, only you – it didn’t make sense. She didn’t learn anything. There wasn’t a reason for the pain or heartache. She’d dated men like you, men who weren’t ready for the type of love she offered. But she truly thought you were different – together, you were both so unique. The only thing that stood out to her was the fact she felt ready and able to finally be herself. To finally have something real with someone who seemed real.

Maybe that was her lesson; not every relationship, or almost relationship, was for a reason. And for the first time, for as long as she could remember, she left without having one. There was no lesson, no ‘ah-ha’ moment. She didn’t walk away having gained strength because there wasn’t anything to strengthen her. She just knew she had to walk away. And she did.

Maybe sometimes things just happen. You don’t learn or grow from them – there’s no lesson from the heartache. Maybe sometimes it is what it is, and it isn’t what it isn’t. Maybe sometimes it just hurts.

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