I was fooling myself
to think a man like you
would ever want a woman
like me
You have so much to offer
so much to give
and I’m full of weaknesses,
insecurities
Yet here I am hoping
you might come back
with a changed heart –
missing me
Unrealistic expectations
all I had of you
all I had for us –
silly daydreams
The slow and steady
You’ve kept me guessing
All the while giving me answers
The thought too good
to be true
The end was quick
I think I’m handling it
A man I’ll never see again
You walk away, holding my pride
Here I’m left
damaged
she picked at the pieces
like petals off the flowers
letting them fall to
the ground beneath her
knowing the truth –
she wasn’t enough
‘He loves me?’ she asks
the petal answers, ‘He loves you not’
I was a block away from our place
Well, the place that used to be ours
I was being pulled in that direction
But I was afraid you’d be home
I’d imagined myself driving by
And I’d see the front porch light on
The picture windows would show it all –
You, your wife and the kids wearing smiles
I always thought there would be a time
When our paths would unexpectedly cross
I’d be wearing a huge engagement ring
You’d be looking plump and miserably unhappy
So I pulled up to the light and my blinker was on
But that same pull swept up again
And I put it in reverse and moved to the other lane
Guess I just wasn’t ready to see the truth
I might be living in this city again
The only place I’ve considered home
But to be honest, it wasn’t home because of us
It’s home because of me – I’m glad I kept driving.
You made me happy. You gave me hope and allowed me to build expectations. I became accustomed to having you in my life – accustomed to the effortless smiles you gave me. Then, like the bottles of cheap wine at the end of a girl’s night, you left me feeling empty and completely disposable. You walked away. You made it look easy – no hesitation, no looking back and not an ounce of remorse. Just like the mornings after those girls nights, I’m left wondering what happened; my head is pounding and I’m lying here wondering why the hell I put myself through this. Will I ever learn? Absofuckinglutely – and I hope you do, too.
To the men who found me easy to leave, there are ten things I hope you learn:
1. Honesty.
I didn’t keep anything from you. I shared details of my past – details of my successes and failures. I told you my goals and dreams. I was honest with you about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. You said you were doing the same. You claimed to be honest with me about your intentions and you said you cared. You lied.
2. Courtesy.
I wonder when you realized you didn’t want to be with me. I wonder what happened to make you give up. You left me wondering a lot of things, like why you couldn’t give me reasons – why you couldn’t show me the courtesy of goodbye.
3. Value.
I’m a catch. I’m not saying that to try and convince you and I’m not saying it to make myself feel better. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I’m strong, successful, smart, independent and genuine. I love with all of my heart – even after it’s been broken, which makes me worthy of love. A love you didn’t deserve – a love you wouldn’t have ever fully appreciated because you didn’t realize its value.
4. Strength.
I thought things were different with us. I felt I was finally at a place in my life where the timing was right. We were going slow, building a friendship and being honest – I was finally doing things right. I was wrong. You’re a coward for allowing me to feel these feelings for you and not having any intentions of feeling them back. I’m a strong woman who wants to stand beside a strong man; you’re weak.
5. Pride.
You knew what I went through. You knew what other men had done to me and how they hurt me – you knew and you did the exact same. Shame on you for that. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You wanted to be a part of my life, I just didn’t know you wanted to be another painful memory.
6. Victory.
Did being with me build your confidence? Because it destroyed mine, you woke all my insecurities. All the initial effort you put into convincing me I was important to you – was it all a game? Did you do it just to see if you could win? Congratulations – victory is yours! I lost my confidence and you won this ‘game’.
7. Sympathy.
I feel sorry for you. You won’t meet a woman who’s so easy-going and understanding; a woman who wants you, makes you feel needed and listens to you – genuinely listens. I’m not a dime a dozen, I’m rare. When you realize this, it will be too late. I feel sorry for you.
8. Forgiveness.
You’re forgiven. Not because you deserve it, but because I do. I’ve held on to the pain you caused, I’ve held on to the times we shared – those times I can’t seem to forget but you can’t seem to remember. Holding on has only held me back. I forgive you because I deserve to let go of the idea of what could have been. I forgive you for finding me forgettable.
9. Gratitude.
Not that you deserve it, but thank you. I thank you for allowing me the opportunity and availability to meet someone who isn’t such a coward, someone who’s man enough to love me the way I deserve. Someone who appreciates my loyalty and is grateful to be with a woman as genuine as I am.
10. Love.
Even though you hurt me, I still wish you the best. I hope love finds you. I hope it’s the type of love that makes you reflect on the love I gave you so freely – without hesitation or reciprocation – and I hope it makes you appreciate her even more. I hope she makes you feel valued, I hope she sympathizes with you when you’re hurting and I hope she feels lucky to be with you.
If someone leaves you, I hope they’re courteous and honest enough to tell you why. I hope they don’t leave you feeling insecure, disposable and as worthless as you made me feel. I hope no one ever makes you feel like you’re easy to leave.
The Dalema 