It has nothing to do with you
Everything to do with me
I’m broken and shattered
Yet I ask for the breaking
All my pieces lay strewn about –
Scattered across the floor
Talking to you cuts me
Yet there’s nothing I want more
I can’t say I didn’t try
I don’t think you didn’t care
Too much distance was between us –
I was here, you were there
I want to know what you’re doing
Where you are and who you’re with
I was kidding myself to think
I could easily move on from this.
-The Dalema
I was a block away from our place
Well, the place that used to be ours
I was being pulled in that direction
But I was afraid you’d be home
I’d imagined myself driving by
And I’d see the front porch light on
The picture windows would show it all –
You, your wife and the kids wearing smiles
I always thought there would be a time
When our paths would unexpectedly cross
I’d be wearing a huge engagement ring
You’d be looking plump and miserably unhappy
So I pulled up to the light and my blinker was on
But that same pull swept up again
And I put it in reverse and moved to the other lane
Guess I just wasn’t ready to see the truth
I might be living in this city again
The only place I’ve considered home
But to be honest, it wasn’t home because of us
It’s home because of me – I’m glad I kept driving.
The cologne you used to wear
I went and bought that kind
I couldn’t help myself –
You’ve been on my mind
I sprayed it on my pillow
And then laid my head down
For a second you were almost there
In your scent, I could have drowned
On an inhale, my heart skipped
Caterpillars became butterflies
But then on exhale, a sad reality
Only pheromones – a chemical lie
She gets my life and my home
In the end she has your love
So tonight I’ll spray this on my pillow
But tomorrow I’ll wash it off.
You made me happy. You gave me hope and allowed me to build expectations. I became accustomed to having you in my life – accustomed to the effortless smiles you gave me. Then, like the bottles of cheap wine at the end of a girl’s night, you left me feeling empty and completely disposable. You walked away. You made it look easy – no hesitation, no looking back and not an ounce of remorse. Just like the mornings after those girls nights, I’m left wondering what happened; my head is pounding and I’m lying here wondering why the hell I put myself through this. Will I ever learn? Absofuckinglutely – and I hope you do, too.
To the men who found me easy to leave, there are ten things I hope you learn:
1. Honesty.
I didn’t keep anything from you. I shared details of my past – details of my successes and failures. I told you my goals and dreams. I was honest with you about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. You said you were doing the same. You claimed to be honest with me about your intentions and you said you cared. You lied.
2. Courtesy.
I wonder when you realized you didn’t want to be with me. I wonder what happened to make you give up. You left me wondering a lot of things, like why you couldn’t give me reasons – why you couldn’t show me the courtesy of goodbye.
3. Value.
I’m a catch. I’m not saying that to try and convince you and I’m not saying it to make myself feel better. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I’m strong, successful, smart, independent and genuine. I love with all of my heart – even after it’s been broken, which makes me worthy of love. A love you didn’t deserve – a love you wouldn’t have ever fully appreciated because you didn’t realize its value.
4. Strength.
I thought things were different with us. I felt I was finally at a place in my life where the timing was right. We were going slow, building a friendship and being honest – I was finally doing things right. I was wrong. You’re a coward for allowing me to feel these feelings for you and not having any intentions of feeling them back. I’m a strong woman who wants to stand beside a strong man; you’re weak.
5. Pride.
You knew what I went through. You knew what other men had done to me and how they hurt me – you knew and you did the exact same. Shame on you for that. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You wanted to be a part of my life, I just didn’t know you wanted to be another painful memory.
6. Victory.
Did being with me build your confidence? Because it destroyed mine, you woke all my insecurities. All the initial effort you put into convincing me I was important to you – was it all a game? Did you do it just to see if you could win? Congratulations – victory is yours! I lost my confidence and you won this ‘game’.
7. Sympathy.
I feel sorry for you. You won’t meet a woman who’s so easy-going and understanding; a woman who wants you, makes you feel needed and listens to you – genuinely listens. I’m not a dime a dozen, I’m rare. When you realize this, it will be too late. I feel sorry for you.
8. Forgiveness.
You’re forgiven. Not because you deserve it, but because I do. I’ve held on to the pain you caused, I’ve held on to the times we shared – those times I can’t seem to forget but you can’t seem to remember. Holding on has only held me back. I forgive you because I deserve to let go of the idea of what could have been. I forgive you for finding me forgettable.
9. Gratitude.
Not that you deserve it, but thank you. I thank you for allowing me the opportunity and availability to meet someone who isn’t such a coward, someone who’s man enough to love me the way I deserve. Someone who appreciates my loyalty and is grateful to be with a woman as genuine as I am.
10. Love.
Even though you hurt me, I still wish you the best. I hope love finds you. I hope it’s the type of love that makes you reflect on the love I gave you so freely – without hesitation or reciprocation – and I hope it makes you appreciate her even more. I hope she makes you feel valued, I hope she sympathizes with you when you’re hurting and I hope she feels lucky to be with you.
If someone leaves you, I hope they’re courteous and honest enough to tell you why. I hope they don’t leave you feeling insecure, disposable and as worthless as you made me feel. I hope no one ever makes you feel like you’re easy to leave.
A letter to an old love. An addiction I somehow overcame.
I gave in again. I keep telling myself it will be the last time. Why are you a weakness for me? I know we won’t be together, especially now when you’ve committed to her. You love her – you talk about her all the time. You tell the world how amazing she is and how happy she makes you. If that’s true how can you still want me? How can you still kiss me and be intimate with me? Why do I let myself love you? Do I love you?
The older I get and the more ‘love’ I feel, the more I realize how many different types of love are out there. The love I have for you isn’t the smitten, butterfly-feeling, puppy-love. It’s not the ‘I want to be with you forever and have kids with you’ kind of love. It’s not an in-love kind of love. It’s a love of comfort, a love of familiarity – it’s a love you feel when you’re home. There’s a sense of familiarity when our bodies entwine themselves together. There’s a comfort in the way you make me smile. There’s feelings of trust I don’t have with anyone else. You’re one of my best friends. I can talk to you about anything and you don’t judge me. You only speak the truth to me, even if it hurts – especially if it hurts.
But you can’t love me – there’s no way. You can’t love me if you continuously allow me to be yours whenever it’s convenient for you but only give yourself to me physically. You love yourself. It’s your biggest downfall. We need to stop doing this. It’s not fair to me and it’s definitely not fair to her. It’s been months of this. You broke my heart in a million pieces once and I stopped the ‘being in love’ part of loving you. I pushed you away and said I was done. Then we started again somehow – you and I both always try to end this. But here we are, giving in again. I wonder if this was the last time, I think we need for it to be. But the thought of not being with you again hurts me in a different kind of way.
It’s not the makes-me-cry kind of hurt. It’s not the kind of hurt where I need a night out with the girls or a rebound hookup kind of hurt. It’s the kind of hurt that punches you in the gut and leaves you feeling empty.
So I don’t think this was the last time. I don’t want to stop giving into you – not yet. Not until I know why you say you love me when you’re making love to me. Not until I know why we miss each other when it’s been some time since we’ve spent time together. I won’t stop giving into you until I know why you chose to give yourself to her and not to me. I’m not ready for our goodbye. If I’m being honest, I’ll never be satisfied with us just being friends.
You’re my safety – you feel like home to me – and there’s no place like home. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else. How can I? My walls are built and my doors are locked and you’re the only one who has the key.
The Dalema 