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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Day Dreams

Right Now

Right now I’m not looking, I’m not hoping – I’m just living. One day at a time, one feeling at a time. If I think I want to do something, I’ll do it. If I don’t, I won’t.

No regrets, no over thinking, no self-judgment. I’m going to allow my life to happen and I’m going to control it. My chances are my choices and things will happen because I’ll want them to. But I won’t be broken – not again. I won’t care for someone until they work for it and earn it. I’m not just going to give my care away anymore.

-Danyle L. M. (2016)

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The Insignificance of Today

Today has no significance for me – it’s Monday, May 23, 2016. The twenty third of May doesn’t stand for anything; an anniversary, birthday, it doesn’t mark any particular relevance in my life. It’s a Monday – yes I know Monday’s are difficult as-is – but the sun is shining and it’s warm out. A day like today for anyone else is a happy day, a day filled with peace and calm. For me, today has no significance but, again, I woke up in a panic attack, rushed to push myself through it (aka ‘get over it’), only to have another attack.

My panic attacks cause me to miss valuable morning time; time for the gym or to get to work as scheduled, time for me to enjoy the mundane morning rituals: coffee and catching up on news via Facebook. For me, today doesn’t have significance because it’s another day I suffer from depression and anxiety without having a reason to be depressed or anxious.

The dilemma, my dilemma, is the guilt and anxiety I feel over having depression and anxiety. I have a job that pays my bills – two actually. I have a roof over my head and a nice vehicle to drive to work. I have an iPhone and I wear nice clothes. I have the luxuries of hot water, a pantry and refrigerator filled with food and I’m healthy; free of cancer, tumors, cold, flu, diabetes and all the like. I have an abundance of really amazing friends, I have the love of both my parents and my brother, and I have really supportive co-workers that have become part of the aforementioned amazing friends. I’m blessed but yet, I’m depressed and anxious.

So when I wakeup in a panic, when I walk around every day with a smile and when I answer, ‘I’m good, how are you?’ to those who pass me and ask how I am – the day has no significance to me. Not because I’m not blessed with another day – because I AM blessed with another day – a day that I SHOULD feel blessed to have. However, here I am – depressed and anxious – and guilty, guilty for feeling these feelings without having any justification to feel them.

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Another You

Then there are days when the heart keeps breaking
You breathe in deep but there’s no use faking
My heart wants what it’s holding on to
But there will never be another you.

  • The Dalema, 2015
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img_1613I want to lie in the bed of a pickup truck, gaze up at the stars, and listen to the crickets on a summer night. I won’t need to be kept warm by the arms of a man; I’ll have the humidity that’s left from the warmth of a summer day. I won’t need my friends there to comfort me; I’ll have my thoughts to get lost in. I won’t need the sound of music playing to keep me company; the peepers, owls and the trickle of the stream in the distance will be enough for me. I won’t want the city lights in the background to try and make me feel like I’m close to home; they’ll drown out the space between the stars and I. The light of the moon will keep me safe and the grace of God will keep me sane. That’s all I need right now.

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