The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



Composed & Sleepless

I stayed up most of the night last night. I couldn’t sleep, but mostly, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried feelings of hurt, fear, loss and confusion. I cried feelings for you, for him – for anyone who has ever left me. I cried out my disappointments, my mistakes, my regrets and for all the things I just cannot seem to forgive myself for. I cried until my eyes grew so heavy they closed. I cried until I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning I felt empty – I felt numb. I shouldn’t have felt that way. Today was the first day of my dream job. I should have felt pride and joy – excitement and accomplished. Yet I felt empty. Not a relieving, weight-off-of-your-shoulders type of empty; the type of empty you feel when you don’t feel anything anymore at all.

Last night I cried so hard and for so long,
I must have cried until my feelings were gone.

For someone like me; someone who feels too much, too often, about everything. For someone who’s overloaded with feelings, I think it’s best to feel nothing. Even when I feel nothing, somehow, I still feel more than I should.

I think in life, particularly for women – women who feel the way I feel and how I feel – it’s easier to stay empty, to be emotionless. I think building up a barrier and wearing a suit of armor is necessary. Successful women don’t feel (or rather show) their feelings to anyone. They pull themselves together. They put on a smile to hide the hurt, fear or frustration lingering underneath. They smile to maintain a composed exterior.

I think, when the barriers have been built and the suit of armor has been put on, that’s when you know you’ve truly become a woman. You’ve dealt with so much from life you decide you don’t want to feel anything at all. It’s not worth it. After all these years, I finally understood what my mother was saying when she’d tell me to pull myself together. She wasn’t being cold, she wasn’t being unloving or insensitive – she was trying to teach me to be a woman. She was trying to help me grow – she was trying to protect me.

So I’ve decided to build my walls high, and to make my suit of armor thick – indestructible. Not because I don’t want to let anyone in but because I don’t want to let my feelings out. I can’t feel again – I won’t survive it. I’ve decided I’d rather hurt than be hurt, I’d rather be alone and lonely than feel rejection; the type of rejection that makes you reject yourself. I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

I cried most of last night, I cried until the feelings were gone.
I cried until the walls were built and the suit of armor had been put on.

I cried until the give-a-damn bridge – the one leading to the front doors of the castle I built from all these feelings, after all all these years – had been burnt to ash. If I feel those feelings again; hurt, pain, confusion, disappointment, regret or loss decides to creep towards my composed, emotionless exterior – I’ll simply put on a smile to hide behind until I have the nighttime to cry.

Even if it takes another sleepless night, a week without sleep or every night for the rest of my life –
I’ll cry so hard and for so long,
I’ll continue crying until the feelings are gone.

  • The Dalema. September 9, 2016

She Went On

She held on tightly
As you slowly let her go
She told you her feelings
You wouldn’t let her know
She kept trying
Holding so tight you slipped away
She went on crying
Only hoping you would stay

She felt empty
As you went on having fun
Her world was ending
As you felt yours had just begun
She kept thinking
Was she just another mistake?
She went on crying
Knowing her wake up call was too late

She held hope
Thinking you’d realize your loss
Her heart was breaking
Not knowing all was lost
She prayed you’d change
Beg for forgiveness from her
She went on crying
Not knowing if you’d be back for sure

She couldn’t move on
Knowing that then you would, too
She couldn’t let go
Of the thought of the both of you
She didn’t try
To be with anyone else
She went on crying
Thinking if she lost you, she lost herself

She finally broke down
Letting everyone around her see
How she couldn’t let go
It wasn’t love it was robbery
She still hopes
That someday you’ll come back
She went on crying
She just couldn’t face the facts

She sounds so weak
This girl attached to you
No wonder you let her go
Other men have, too
I feel sorry for her
This girl you used to see
She screwed everything up
Oh that’s right, that girl was me

– DLM, 2009

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