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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Reminders

Happy Moonshine

I wish I could bottle up this feeling!!

I’d put it in an old teal mason jar and keep it in my pantry. Then, on days I feel lost or sad, I could take shots of it like moonshine.

I am so incredibly happy to be engaged to my best friend, a man who has never once made me feel insecure. Someone who is everything I never knew I always wanted.

It’s cliche to say but love doesn’t find you when you’re looking. It’s never what you’re looking for. Love comes at a time when you find yourself not wanting it at all – sometimes even when you’re avoiding it. There were no games, no moments where I had to filter who I was or hide my personality.

My love found me when I no longer believed in it. When I thought I was too set in my ways. Love found me in the form of laughter, long conversations ending with “you hang up first” and, even though he will never admit it, we knew from the first date that we were it. This was the real thing.

It’s not always easy but it is worth it!!

I’d go through it all again, only sooner if I knew the broken roads would lead me here. I am so so so so very happy!!

I love someone who loves me back and I get to spend as much time as God intends on this earth with him. For the first time in my entire life, I have no questions. I have no doubts. At this moment I am blissfully happy.

I wish I could put this feeling in an old teal mason jar and put it in my pantry, and on my bad days where I feel lost and sad, I’d take shots of it like moonshine.

Alone.

Missing my boys today.

We always share the highlights. We glorify the happy moments. We sit alone when it’s dark and we smile when we don’t want anyone to see our tears. I haven’t sat in alone in sadness for a long time. And I won’t today. Today I’m sharing my darkness because I don’t want to feel alone.

Before I met these two I lived alone for 9 years. I had my pups, work, friends and family but ultimately I was alone. I felt it, I dealt with it and I managed.

I never knew how beautiful life could be until I met these two. As a woman, I work hard. I give my 40+ hours to work, I take care of all the plans and make sure the house is clean, adventures are on the calendar and our bellies always full. I am loved and I love with all I have.

I convinced myself that this time alone would be great. I could enjoy some peace and quiet! I can get the house organized, do some crafting, work out, make some freezable foods, and just relax. I’ve been doing really well at this but I will not lie – once you have this kind of love and fulfillment in your life, no matter how long you were alone before, the void is even more obvious. No matter how independent you are, you still want to share the moments of your every day with those you love.

I am an extremely lucky woman. I am an extremely strong woman. But today the house is too quiet. The house is too clean and organized. The house is too empty. I really don’t know how I lived without these two before.

I miss my boys today.

– The Dalema. September 5, 2021.

Insecure Space

There’s a space in my mind

Where my insecurities lie

I keep them all inside

They taunt me sometimes

There’s a place in my soul

Where my insecurities go

They travel lonely roads

Where I’ve been before

There’s a space inside my heart

Where my insecurities start

They lay there in the dark

Trying to tear us apart

There’s a space in my mind

Where my insecurities lie

They say you’ll change your mind

And you’ll leave me behind

There’s a place inside my soul

Begging you not to go

Filled with sadness I have known

Without you I’m alone

There’s a part inside my heart

That’s fighting with my soul

And the insecurities of my mind

They’re tearing me up inside.

  • The Dalema. April 28, 2019.

Vice

Old habits die hard

Because they never die at all.

And unfortunately,

You’re habitual.

I do it on purpose

To remind me of the pain.

And every time it happens

I wish it never would again.

Old habits die hard

Because they never die at all

When I reach for the phone

You’re the one I call.

And you always answer

Even when you shouldn’t

And every time you do

My God, I wish you wouldn’t.

Old habits die hard

Because they never die at all

And even when I feel nothing

You’re habitual.

  • The Dalema. March 1, 2018.

Balance beam.

Do you want to know what’s really hard?

Life.

Do you want to know what makes it all worth while?

Living.

  • The Dalema. January 2, 2018.

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