Search

The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

Open Search
Tag

Reflection

Anyone’s Anybody 

There are a million thoughts that go through my head each day. Lately they’ve all been the same; do I cross your mind? Are you thinking of me? Have you wondered what could happen if we tried to make this work? Is there a missing space in your life because I haven’t been in it?

Maybe I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one; I want to be somebody’s someone. I want that person to think (and know) – without me having to prove it to them or talk them into thinking it – I’m worth the distance, the time, the effort and the patience it’s going to take to be with me. And guess what? I’ll think – and know – they’re worth it, too. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be putting in any effort.

I meet a guy, we start to date and I’ll get lost in the idea of ‘us’. Overthinking, over analyzing, and over-dreaming every scenario that you can imagine. It’s sad really – but it’s also romantic. Why can’t I have an adventure – a fairytale? With you I was realistic – cynical actually. I didn’t become obsessed or infatuated with you. I didn’t fall in love – but I wanted to. I did something worse actually, I let you become one of my best friends. And now I’m losing that friendship and it’s hurting me.

I know you say it’s not me – I don’t know if I believe you. I can’t tell if you’re being too nice to get this over with or if you really mean it when you say how wonderful you think I am. I do know that you’re not choosing me. I do know that you’re letting me go. Whisk me off of my feet! I know you have it in you. You won me over by being open and honest from the start. You won me over by making me feel beautiful; not just physically but in mind. You were one of the first men to actually care – and admire – my writing. You listened to me, you let me trust you, you let me give you precious parts of my time; at a time in my life when I was making myself the happiest I’ve ever been. You became a part of that happiness – and I don’t want to lose that.

You could ask me to walk down this healing path with you. You could say I’m enough and you don’t want to be without me either. You could tell me to keep moving slow with you so, at the end of the healing process, I’m the one who gets to be with you. We could still make plans – spend time together – nothing has to change. You just have to tell me when you need space. You have to try and let me in. You have to want me.

But you don’t – you won’t. Thinking, even for a second, you would fight for me was that hopeless romantic part of my imagination that I had thought was shut off before I met you.

Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m addicted to the idea of love. Maybe this has been one sided and I’ve built this into something it isn’t – it’s all in my head. Sure, you’ve enjoyed getting to know me. But I think you know if you wanted to be with me, even a little bit, you would be. You aren’t damaged – you’re broken – and since I’m the master at being broken I can tell you that you’re fixable. You’re worth the walk down the path of healing. But so am I. Did you realize that I’m broken, too? Did you stop and think maybe I’m fighting so hard for this because I’m fighting for us to save each other – I’m fighting for myself, too?

Life isn’t a fairytale – life isn’t a romantic comedy. When you walk away you stay gone – you don’t show up on my doorstep with flowers a month later and tell me you missed me and don’t want me to be with anyone else. You don’t ask me to spend romantic weekends with you or take me on sporadic adventures. You won’t do the little things – the things that become the big things – like make me a priority in a world filled with other options.

No, I’m not the girl who gets the fairytale. I’m not the woman who men fall in love with – I’m not the woman men choose. I’m the background music. I’m the reality. I’m the unhappily ever after. I’m the woman who ends up alone at the end of the night watching Netflix and drinking wine while wishing a man, wishing you, would love me as much as my dogs do. I’m the woman who jokes with friends about having a house on a hill somewhere filled with Yorkies.

I’m the over thinker, the ‘fixer’, the relationship overachiever – the old fashioned, hopeless romantic who wishes they could turn off their feelings. I’m the new generation of women. And I hate it. For decades women have fought so hard to teach the generations after them not to need a man – to be more than just the ‘other half’. Yet here I am, wanting to be the girl who gets the guy – wanting you to pick me, choose me – love me. Being loved – that’s success to me – I’ve always wanted love more than anything else. Yet I feel unlovable. What’s the point of everything else in life if you don’t have someone to share it with? Somebody’s someone – that’s who I want to be – not just anyone’s anybody.

– Danyle L. M. (9/13/16)

0

Put The Knife Down

Our deepest wounds
cannot be seen
cannot be heard
or identified –

Our deepest wounds
cannot be found
cannot be stitched
hidden with lies.

Our deepest wounds
beyond our smiles
beyond the tears
behind our eyes –

Our deepest wounds
have no scars
are hidden behind
no reason why.

Our deepest wounds
are poked and prodded
smothered with ‘I’m fine’
and most of the time –

Our deepest wounds
don’t get to heal
don’t get to mend
They’re self-inflicted.

  • The Dalema. May 18, 2016.
0

Composed & Sleepless

I stayed up most of the night last night. I couldn’t sleep, but mostly, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried feelings of hurt, fear, loss and confusion. I cried feelings for you, for him – for anyone who has ever left me. I cried out my disappointments, my mistakes, my regrets and for all the things I just cannot seem to forgive myself for. I cried until my eyes grew so heavy they closed. I cried until I fell asleep.


When I woke up this morning I felt empty – I felt numb. I shouldn’t have felt that way. Today was the first day of my dream job. I should have felt pride and joy – excitement and accomplished. Yet I felt empty. Not a relieving, weight-off-of-your-shoulders type of empty; the type of empty you feel when you don’t feel anything anymore at all.

Last night I cried so hard and for so long,
I must have cried until my feelings were gone.

For someone like me; someone who feels too much, too often, about everything. For someone who’s overloaded with feelings, I think it’s best to feel nothing. Even when I feel nothing, somehow, I still feel more than I should.

I think in life, particularly for women – women who feel the way I feel and how I feel – it’s easier to stay empty, to be emotionless. I think building up a barrier and wearing a suit of armor is necessary. Successful women don’t feel (or rather show) their feelings to anyone. They pull themselves together. They put on a smile to hide the hurt, fear or frustration lingering underneath. They smile to maintain a composed exterior.

I think, when the barriers have been built and the suit of armor has been put on, that’s when you know you’ve truly become a woman. You’ve dealt with so much from life you decide you don’t want to feel anything at all. It’s not worth it. After all these years, I finally understood what my mother was saying when she’d tell me to pull myself together. She wasn’t being cold, she wasn’t being unloving or insensitive – she was trying to teach me to be a woman. She was trying to help me grow – she was trying to protect me.

So I’ve decided to build my walls high, and to make my suit of armor thick – indestructible. Not because I don’t want to let anyone in but because I don’t want to let my feelings out. I can’t feel again – I won’t survive it. I’ve decided I’d rather hurt than be hurt, I’d rather be alone and lonely than feel rejection; the type of rejection that makes you reject yourself. I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

I cried most of last night, I cried until the feelings were gone.
I cried until the walls were built and the suit of armor had been put on.

I cried until the give-a-damn bridge – the one leading to the front doors of the castle I built from all these feelings, after all all these years – had been burnt to ash. If I feel those feelings again; hurt, pain, confusion, disappointment, regret or loss decides to creep towards my composed, emotionless exterior – I’ll simply put on a smile to hide behind until I have the nighttime to cry.

Even if it takes another sleepless night, a week without sleep or every night for the rest of my life –
I’ll cry so hard and for so long,
I’ll continue crying until the feelings are gone.

  • The Dalema. September 9, 2016
1

Fill It

What you give is what you’ll receive – maybe not right away, but someday. 

Someday someone will come into your life and make all of your insecurities disappear; they’ll challenge you, listen to you – they’ll have the desire to grow with you. They’ll not only help you find who you used to be before your heart was broken, but they’ll help you grow into the person you were meant to be – with a healed and happy heart. They’ll love you with a heart so full that yours will have no choice but to fill up again. The biggest challenge is opening up your heart – just a little – just enough to let them in. 

Your heart’s like a tank of gas; you don’t risk driving around on empty. Fill it – you just have to pull into the station. You can only run on empty for so long before you completely break down. You might not realize it now, but the particular station you’re driving past – that person who loves with their whole heart – they’re a rare find; it will take hundreds of miles to find another one with a fraction of the quality compared to the one right in front of you. 

– Danyle L. M. (8/29/2016) 
photo credit – wordables (Pinterest) 

0

Leap Of Faith

The moments before the jump, you stand still for a second admiring the view, taking in all the beauty surrounding you – wondering how many people will ever or have ever looked at what you’re looking at the way you’re looking at it now.

Slowly, you start inching your way closer to the edge – and then you look down. Whoa! It’s way higher than you thought it would be. Are you going to get hurt? Are you sure you should do this? Once you fling your body over the edge, there’s no turning back – even if you want to. You pause and start to second guess your decision. You’re so close to jumping, are you really going to give up now?!

You’re palms are sweating and your heart is racing – you swallow hard with hesitation and you can feel the tug of your body trying to turn around. You’ve come so close, you’ve worked too hard! You exhale – the words ‘ah fuck it’ sneak from your lips and, before you know it, your heart takes over. It begins pumping adrenaline through your veins as you take in a deep breath, hold it and throw yourself over the edge.

All the emotions; admiration, peace, apprehension and hesitation, uncertainty, fear, joy, anxiety, doubt, excitement, pride, thrill, happiness, giddy exhilaration – those are what you feel during the most crucial, defining and influential moments of your life. I felt those emotions signing the lease to my new apartment, in a new-ish city. I felt those emotions when I accepted a new job offer and sent in my letter of resignation after nine years with a company – and that’s what I’ve felt anytime I’ve met someone who had the potential to break my heart.

I can honestly say after you throw yourself over the edge, after you take in that deep breath and hold it as you fall, you can’t help but exhale in relief. During the laughter, smiles and with the warmth tickling your skin from the adrenaline rush – entranced within the overwhelmingly amazing happiness you find yourself spiraling through – you won’t be able to hold your breath.

The fear literally gets knocked out of you as the pride swells in your chest – making it physically impossible for your heart to feel regret or your mind to have any doubts. Once you hit the water, the cool sensation rushing across your skin becomes so intoxicatingly addicting you’ll swim as fast as you can just to climb back up the hill and do it all, all over again. This time without fear, without hesitation, without doubt – with complete confidence.

Those moments, the most crucial, defining, challenging, emotion-filled and influential moments – they’re addicting.

Know yourself enough to understand when it’s worth the climb, trust your intuition enough to listen when the jump is too steep and be confident enough in yourself to know once you plunge into the water, you’re just going to want to jump in all over again!

  • The Dalema. August 9, 2016
1

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑