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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Moving On

An Early Spring

It’s hard to explain. The closest description I can think of is when you’re standing outside on one of those unexpected spring days. The early spring days when it’s still supposed to be super cold and snowy but it’s sunny and 60. And then it happens; a strong breeze covers you at the exact same time the clouds part and the sun shines down and warms your face. Even though the snow is still lingering on the ground and the road is dusty from the combination of dirt and salt, you smell spring in the air. You feel the warmth on your skin. You lose yourself in possibility.

I wasn’t skydiving or riding the waves. I wasn’t reading a book or claiming my million dollar prize – I was just living. I was allowing myself to smile without wondering why. I was just being. And as I was just being, he crossed my mind. My pivotal moment crossed my mind. So I decided to send him a message. I said hello, I wished him well and I apologized. I apologized for something I never realized I was sorry for. And you know what? He answered. Right away. He didn’t act odd, rude or interrupted. He acted with kindness – he answered like a friend. He answered the same way he let me go; respectfully.

In the short conversation that followed, I found myself smirking. Not in a giddy, flirty, ‘oh my God we are taking again!’ kind of way. I was smirking because we had nothing to talk about. I was smirking because of the nothing I felt for him. I was smirking because I was grateful for all my unanswered prayers.

So we said what everyone says and never means – ‘I’m glad we can be friends’, ‘let’s catch up soon’, etc., etc. All the things so many people say when they know they’ll never say anything to one another again. Because there’s nothing left to say; the apologies have been forgiven, the feelings have passed and the people have changed. The time has moved on and so has he – so have I.

What I felt tonight is better than happiness. It was like standing in the warmth of the sun, covered by a breeze on an unexpected early spring day. My pivotal moment; the heartache and pain Рall the unknown reasons, all the unanswered prayers Рfinally made sense.

I was at peace.

I had clarity.

I had closure.

  • The Dalema. January 14, 2017.
    © Photo Credit Brittany Hensel Photography

Unlocked, Open Heart

No matter where I am
Or how much time has passed
There will always be room for you
In this heart of shattered glass

  • The Dalema. October, 2016

To The Someone I Used To Know

I want to say something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna

One day I woke up
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s

I wanted to try something
because they told me –
‘you never know’

So I tried my best
I gave my all –
I held hope

I didn’t expect to feel
so much, so soon –
anything for anyone

Yet there I was hoping
he would heal me –
mend my broken

I thought it was something
or should I say –
I was someone’s

He made me trust him
think we were different –
like we belonged

Somehow he made it stop
my fear of heartbreak –
fear of loss

Somehow I found the strength
to be only myself –
because of ‘us’

I’ve wanted to say more
and I probably shouldn’t –
so I don’t

But I found myself praying
I woke up wishing –
there was hope

Although he decided to leave
and I’m still hurting –
I’m not afraid

I found myself missing him
and he should know –
it is ok

I need to say something
I’ve kept a secret –
but I’ll share

I once woke up smiling
thinking he might stop –
thinking of her

I may have some regrets
and I won’t mention –
he should’ve stayed

Of course I’d be lying
if I denied wishing –
somewhere, somehow, someday

I will tell you something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna

Today I woke up thinking
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s

Someone who could love me
somewhere safe and warm –
sometime very soon

But the somehow was missing
the somewhere was missing –
He. Someone. You.

  • The Dalema. October 31, 2016.

The Space Between

It has nothing to do with you
Everything to do with me
I’m broken and shattered
Yet I ask for the breaking

All my pieces lay strewn about –
Scattered across the floor
Talking to you cuts me
Yet there’s nothing I want more

I can’t say I didn’t try
I don’t think you didn’t care
Too much distance was between us –
I was here, you were there

I want to know what you’re doing
Where you are and who you’re with
I was kidding myself to think
I could easily move on from this.

-The Dalema

Cover Your Eyes

It’s when she’s laying in silence
She can hear the tick of the clock
Her mind’s racing miles per minute
Then suddenly – the faintest thought

A thought waking her memory
It stumbled upon your laugh
In that moment she frowned
It hurts to play it back

Those moments used to be easy
Falling asleep to your ‘goodnight’
Her face would be lit up
Her thoughts were so lite

You – the only thing crossing her mind
Her – wearing the smile you gave
But now she only holds your memory
In a sleepy corner hidden away

Those corners keep her up at night
She’s wide awake in a nightmare
The silence turned into a bright nightlight
And her eyes won’t adjust to the glare

  • The Dalema 6/10/16

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