It’s hard to explain. The closest description I can think of is when you’re standing outside on one of those unexpected spring days. The early spring days when it’s still supposed to be super cold and snowy but it’s sunny and 60. And then it happens; a strong breeze covers you at the exact same time the clouds part and the sun shines down and warms your face. Even though the snow is still lingering on the ground and the road is dusty from the combination of dirt and salt, you smell spring in the air. You feel the warmth on your skin. You lose yourself in possibility.
I wasn’t skydiving or riding the waves. I wasn’t reading a book or claiming my million dollar prize – I was just living. I was allowing myself to smile without wondering why. I was just being. And as I was just being, he crossed my mind. My pivotal moment crossed my mind. So I decided to send him a message. I said hello, I wished him well and I apologized. I apologized for something I never realized I was sorry for. And you know what? He answered. Right away. He didn’t act odd, rude or interrupted. He acted with kindness – he answered like a friend. He answered the same way he let me go; respectfully.
In the short conversation that followed, I found myself smirking. Not in a giddy, flirty, ‘oh my God we are taking again!’ kind of way. I was smirking because we had nothing to talk about. I was smirking because of the nothing I felt for him. I was smirking because I was grateful for all my unanswered prayers.
So we said what everyone says and never means – ‘I’m glad we can be friends’, ‘let’s catch up soon’, etc., etc. All the things so many people say when they know they’ll never say anything to one another again. Because there’s nothing left to say; the apologies have been forgiven, the feelings have passed and the people have changed. The time has moved on and so has he – so have I.
What I felt tonight is better than happiness. It was like standing in the warmth of the sun, covered by a breeze on an unexpected early spring day. My pivotal moment; the heartache and pain – all the unknown reasons, all the unanswered prayers – finally made sense.
I was at peace.
I had clarity.
I had closure.
- The Dalema. January 14, 2017.
© Photo Credit Brittany Hensel Photography