The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



Cover Your Eyes

It’s when she’s laying in silence
She can hear the tick of the clock
Her mind’s racing miles per minute
Then suddenly – the faintest thought

A thought waking her memory
It stumbled upon your laugh
In that moment she frowned
It hurts to play it back

Those moments used to be easy
Falling asleep to your ‘goodnight’
Her face would be lit up
Her thoughts were so lite

You – the only thing crossing her mind
Her – wearing the smile you gave
But now she only holds your memory
In a sleepy corner hidden away

Those corners keep her up at night
She’s wide awake in a nightmare
The silence turned into a bright nightlight
And her eyes won’t adjust to the glare

  • The Dalema 6/10/16

Wide Awake And Dreaming

It’s the kind of night when
I’d rather keep myself wide awake
with thoughts of you,
than give into exhaustion –
and find myself peacefully sleeping
with dreams of us,
because eventually I would have to stop dreaming –
eventually I would have to wake up –
Losing you all over again.
That’s not the kind of morning
I want to wake up to.

– DLM 4/19/16

Battles with Insomnia 

The dilemma of exhaustion. Late at night, when my eyes are heavy and I should be sleeping, each blink is a battle. I’m fighting a war against my dreams – I’m fighting to stay awake. I’m terrified of my dreams – yes, my dreams – not my nightmares.

My dreams are beautiful. Filled with love, hope and warmth. Dreams of better days where I’m living in a place I love, working a career I love – in a body I love. After my perfect workday is complete, I go home to a family who is ecstatic to see me.

No, it’s not my nightmares terrifying me – it’s not nightmares keeping me awake. It’s my dreams. Because when I wake from them the next morning, I wake to the harsh reality they were only dreams; dreams in a far away place I can only go to at night while I sleep alone. When I wake up, I wake up happy and when I realize it’s not real I start the day with a broken heart.

Every night I continue my fight, the battle of insomnia. When my eyes can’t stay open any longer – when they finally give in and close – I can only wish for kindness from my subconscious mind. I can only hope it will be kind enough to allow me a nightmare, just for tonight.

  • The Dalema. February 3, 2016

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