The dilemma of exhaustion. Late at night, when my eyes are heavy and I should be sleeping, each blink is a battle. I’m fighting a war against my dreams – I’m fighting to stay awake. I’m terrified of my dreams – yes, my dreams – not my nightmares.
My dreams are beautiful. Filled with love, hope and warmth. Dreams of better days where I’m living in a place I love, working a career I love – in a body I love. After my perfect workday is complete, I go home to a family who is ecstatic to see me.
No, it’s not my nightmares terrifying me – it’s not nightmares keeping me awake. It’s my dreams. Because when I wake from them the next morning, I wake to the harsh reality they were only dreams; dreams in a far away place I can only go to at night while I sleep alone. When I wake up, I wake up happy and when I realize it’s not real I start the day with a broken heart.
Every night I continue my fight, the battle of insomnia. When my eyes can’t stay open any longer – when they finally give in and close – I can only wish for kindness from my subconscious mind. I can only hope it will be kind enough to allow me a nightmare, just for tonight.
So here’s the dilemma; it’s impossible to enjoy the moment and move on to whatever your future holds if you’re stuck in the past. New Year’s is all about a fresh start, a clean slate. But sometimes it’s best to reflect before wiping the slate clean. I have a tendency, as I’m sure some of you do as well, to hold on to the memories and ‘what went wrong’s’ of the previous men I’ve ‘dated’. I say ‘dated’ because it was more of a situationship than a relationship – all of the perks of being committed to someone, and a relationship, without actually having them commit to me. So I’m going to reflect back on things one last time, then I’m going to let go. End of, no turning back.
I learned my true comfort level behind closed doors. I became in touch with a side of myself I didn’t know I had – and a side that I’ll never hide again. However, he taught me that my body is not something to be given away freely. He taught me that if a man says he doesn’t feel something for you, take his word for it. He proved to me that men can really only want sex and they can do so without feeling a drop of affection for you.
I learned that men can lie right to your face. It’s ok to keep your guard up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice – or three times – shame on me. He taught me that once a man is a cheater, generally, he’s always a cheater. (Remember – you’re always the rule, not the exception.*) Never trust a liar. He also taught me that I love being kissed on the forehead. He showed me that I enjoy actually watching Netflix and chilling with a guy without it leading to sex.
I learned that it’s ok to be wild and free. It’s ok to give in to desire and temptation. Who said we have to act our age? He taught me that a friendship can bloom from lust. He taught me that I can fall in love with someone, get hurt by them, fall out of love with them and still remain friends. He also showed me that men can be very manipulative and cold if they want sex. He showed me that there are still ways my heart can break. Age is just a number but it does affect compatibility – especially depending on where the person’s at in their life. He taught me all the reasons it can’t work for me and a younger guy. But he also taught me that it’s ok to say no to men (the good ones will stick around), it’s ok to put myself first and that I’m way too nice.
I learned that, no matter how broken my heart is, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. I’ll always follow my heart; even if it leads me to a different state randomly for a long weekend. He taught me that men will show you what they like, and don’t like, without saying much. He taught me that men are creatures of habit. If they do something once, like – let’s just say – ghost on you, they’ll do it again and again. But more importantly, he showed me what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship again – if even just for a few days. He also taught me that men have absolutely no trouble leaving without a reason. No trouble throwing you away like you meant nothing at all to them – regardless of how much they mean(t) to you.
Yet here I am – still thinking of them. It just goes to show you – not all men are the same; they can all f*** up something great with someone great, but in totally different ways.
Referring to my bible, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, by: Greg Behrendt, Simon Spotlight Entertainment 2009
**All names were changed to protect the identity of the individuals. The opinions expressed above are solely my own and do not represent any other parties involved.