The Dalema

My dilemma? I’m a woman of love. I long for love; self love, love of my career and to be in love with someone (and have that love returned). When I woke up this morning I realized I’m missing love from my life.

I used to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym, then I’d meal prep and get ready for work. I’d walk into work excited for the day, for the challenges I’d face. I loved feeling caught up the tasks; so overwhelmed by my work load that, by the time I could catch a breath, it was already well passed the end of my work day. I used to feel so much pride; pride from my work, my health and fitness – pride in who I was.

I can’t pin-point exactly when my habits changed. I tried, exhaustingly, to form new ones. I tried to get back into doing what I had done for so long. But there wasn’t any light to be found in my darkness. There wasn’t any flicker of motivation or hope. There was just the underlying question of who the f*** had I become?

Now I’m staring at a grey canvas. Not the light grey that calms and soothes you, not the dark grey that shows in the sky before a storm. It’s the kind of grey found on the wallpaper in church basements – the old looking grey with a twinge of yellow; the kind of grey that never sees the sun.

My life, right now, is a grey canvas. It terrifies me – I’m stuck staring at a grey canvas begging God to splash some sort of color on it, something – anything, to motivate me again. Because this life I’m living without love; love of self, love of my career – the slightest possibility of love from another – just won’t do.

• The Dalema. January 28, 2016