The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be



Happy Moonshine

I wish I could bottle up this feeling!!

I’d put it in an old teal mason jar and keep it in my pantry. Then, on days I feel lost or sad, I could take shots of it like moonshine.

I am so incredibly happy to be engaged to my best friend, a man who has never once made me feel insecure. Someone who is everything I never knew I always wanted.

It’s cliche to say but love doesn’t find you when you’re looking. It’s never what you’re looking for. Love comes at a time when you find yourself not wanting it at all – sometimes even when you’re avoiding it. There were no games, no moments where I had to filter who I was or hide my personality.

My love found me when I no longer believed in it. When I thought I was too set in my ways. Love found me in the form of laughter, long conversations ending with “you hang up first” and, even though he will never admit it, we knew from the first date that we were it. This was the real thing.

It’s not always easy but it is worth it!!

I’d go through it all again, only sooner if I knew the broken roads would lead me here. I am so so so so very happy!!

I love someone who loves me back and I get to spend as much time as God intends on this earth with him. For the first time in my entire life, I have no questions. I have no doubts. At this moment I am blissfully happy.

I wish I could put this feeling in an old teal mason jar and put it in my pantry, and on my bad days where I feel lost and sad, I’d take shots of it like moonshine.

Blank Canvas 

I think you saw their true colors but painted over them. I think you thought maybe, if you mixed your colors with theirs, the painting would be a real work of art. We do that when we love someone.

Unfortunately, I wasted a lot of time repainting. I wasted a lot of time in denial; always blaming the poor lighting or the colors I was mixing with. Then I realized something, all those times I thought I was choosing the wrong colors, but I didn’t even like my own colors. You can’t paint a beautiful picture if you hate the colors you’re working with.

So I changed my colors. I spent a lot of time staring at a lonely, blank canvas. And I threw away a lot of paintings.

I know my colors now. I know the colors that mix well with mine; anything less just won’t do. I don’t want to look down the road years from now and want to throw away the life I’ve worked so hard with my partner to paint.

Don’t be the only one painting. Love your colors. Make sure they love their own colors, too. If they don’t, if you don’t, the painting will never be more than a recycled canvas – an artless piece of trash – no matter how talented the painter is.

  • The Dalema. August, 2016

Men Lessons of 2015

So here’s the dilemma; it’s impossible to enjoy the moment and move on to whatever your future holds if you’re stuck in the past. New Year’s is all about a fresh start, a clean slate. But sometimes it’s best to reflect before wiping the slate clean. I have a tendency, as I’m sure some of you do as well, to hold on to the memories and ‘what went wrong’s’ of the previous men I’ve ‘dated’. I say ‘dated’ because it was more of a situationship than a relationship – all of the perks of being committed to someone, and a relationship, without actually having them commit to me. So I’m going to reflect back on things one last time, then I’m going to let go. End of, no turning back.

Mr. January**
I learned my true comfort level behind closed doors. I became in touch with a side of myself I didn’t know I had – and a side that I’ll never hide again. However, he taught me that my body is not something to be given away freely. He taught me that if a man says he doesn’t feel something for you, take his word for it. He proved to me that men can really only want sex and they can do so without feeling a drop of affection for you.

Mr. March**
I learned that men can lie right to your face. It’s ok to keep your guard up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice – or three times – shame on me. He taught me that once a man is a cheater, generally, he’s always a cheater. (Remember – you’re always the rule, not the exception.*) Never trust a liar. He also taught me that I love being kissed on the forehead. He showed me that I enjoy actually watching Netflix and chilling with a guy without it leading to sex.

Mr. June**
I learned that it’s ok to be wild and free. It’s ok to give in to desire and temptation. Who said we have to act our age? He taught me that a friendship can bloom from lust. He taught me that I can fall in love with someone, get hurt by them, fall out of love with them and still remain friends. He also showed me that men can be very manipulative and cold if they want sex. He showed me that there are still ways my heart can break. Age is just a number but it does affect compatibility – especially depending on where the person’s at in their life. He taught me all the reasons it can’t work for me and a younger guy. But he also taught me that it’s ok to say no to men (the good ones will stick around), it’s ok to put myself first and that I’m way too nice.

Mr. July**
I learned that, no matter how broken my heart is, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. I’ll always follow my heart; even if it leads me to a different state randomly for a long weekend. He taught me that men will show you what they like, and don’t like, without saying much. He taught me that men are creatures of habit. If they do something once, like – let’s just say – ghost on you, they’ll do it again and again. But more importantly, he showed me what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship again – if even just for a few days. He also taught me that men have absolutely no trouble leaving without a reason. No trouble throwing you away like you meant nothing at all to them – regardless of how much they mean(t) to you.

Yet here I am – still thinking of them. It just goes to show you – not all men are the same; they can all f*** up something great with someone great, but in totally different ways.

Referring to my bible, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, by: Greg Behrendt, Simon Spotlight Entertainment 2009

**All names were changed to protect the identity of the individuals. The opinions expressed above are solely my own and do not represent any other parties involved.

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