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Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Reasons I Don’t Deserve to Date

Dating, my least favorite word in the history of words ever, of all time. I hate it more than ‘moist’, ‘crusty’, ‘crevice’, ‘splurge’ and ‘gooey’. No need to question the gulps of hatorade I’m chugging in order to choke down the feelings I have on dating – I’ve earned my right to hate. After seven years of all kinds of dating: online dating, blind dates, casual dating, bar-scene-dating, the ‘my friend has a friend whose cousin is single and nice’ dating, the ‘he’s not my type but I’ll give it a try’ dating, etc. – the list is never ending. I’ve realized after all these years, it really wasn’t them – it was me.

I don’t deserve to date. Here’s why:

1. I’m Honest.
If you ask me a question, I’ll give you an answer – an honest answer. I won’t lie – I won’t toy with you or answer pretending to be the chick I think you might want me to be, and I definitely won’t sugar coat it. I will be straight up, to the point and answer with nothing but the truth. I don’t care if you ask me how I like my eggs, what my biggest fear is or where the craziest place I’ve had sex was (omg don’t act so shocked – seven years of dating, of course I’m going to have at least one crazy story).

Honesty has no place in dating today. You’ve got to play the game; if he asks you out, tell him you’re busy (even when you’re completely, not even watching Netflix, available). If she texts you first – wait an hour to respond. Oh and don’t forget – be super vague and short with your response. Appear uninterested unless she’s uninterested, then you need to get her interested again to be able to show her how uninterested in her you are! (Yes, that’s a play off of the classic ‘Wedding Crashers’ scene). Apparently, it’s all about the chase – and honesty doesn’t need chasing. Honesty needs understanding and attention; two things that do not fit, and aren’t freely given, in today’s standards of dating.

2. I’m Loyal.
If I make plans with you or say I’m available on a specific day, I’ll keep those plans and/or that date available for you. If we talk about ‘getting together sometime’ or ‘meeting up’, you bet your sweet ass I’m going to actually assume we are meeting up. And wait – hold on to your seat for this one – if I’m ‘dating’ you, I’m actually only DATING you.

That’s right everyone – I’m loyal! I don’t have the time, energy or desire to try and ‘play the field’. It’s an extremely rare occurrence for me to find someone I’m actually interested in. So when I do find someone that piques my interest, someone who is worth taking the time to get to know and ‘date’, I like to focus on that one person and actually be honest with them about who I am and what I’m interested in. Honesty – please see #1, second paragraph.

3. I’m Genuine
Here’s a crazy thought (that might actually make sense if you fully read through points #1 & #2), I mean what I say, I say what I mean and I freaking care. Do I care too much sometimes for people who don’t deserve it? Absolutely. Us genuine people tend to do that. But here’s also a remarkable thought – being genuine means you care about the well being of another person. You want the best for that person. You want to help that person become the best version of themselves. You care about that person. Being genuine is a bitch.

When dating today, being genuine is misconstrued as being ‘too into’ someone. Being genuine might be taken as ‘clingy’ or ‘being a hopeless romantic with unrealistic standards’. When they’re having a bad day, you want to comfort them and want to understand what’s going wrong; you actually CARE when you ask. If they’re hungry or having an urge to do something fun – like, I don’t know, maybe get outside, enjoy the weather – you might genuinely care enough to pack a picnic basket and take them on a hiking adventure in the park. Whoa, hopeless romantic?!? NOPE – just a normal person who genuinely cares. And guess who doesn’t have time for that? Any form of dating in 2016.

4. I’m Old Fashioned
Now, now – I know what you’re thinking, “How can you be old fashioned if you’re talking about ‘craziest places you’ve had sex’ in point #1?” I’m not talking old fashioned like he picks me up at my parents house and I make him help my mom churn butter before dinner while my dad loads his shotgun and sharpens the shovel. I’m talking about old fashioned as in he picks me up at my house, knocks on the door (fuck the horn honk or the ‘here’ text message), and asks me if I’m ready to go to dinner. Then, another crazy thought, we sit through an entire meal (not apps and drinks) and just talk. We talk about who we are, what we like (not sexually), and then – HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS AGAIN FOLKS – he takes me home and doesn’t try to get inside my place (or my pants).

Old fashioned doesn’t work when dating today. Most ‘getting to know one another’ conversations aren’t conversations at all. Someone’s snapping the other person and tagging them in funny memes on Instagram, while the other person is meticulously continuing their left-swipe-affair with Tinder. All the while, these two people are just wasting their time and finding absolutely nothing out about one another. Sure, he’s most likely sent her a dick pic in the first days’ text exchange (why by the way, why?!?! Please sweet baby cheeses, can we please stop this disgusting habit?!), but personally, I’d like to know the color of your eyes and maybe your middle name before I know how many inches long you are at a completely-not-shown-to-scale picture of you at your ‘happiest’.

5. I’m Selfish & Confident(ish)
Here’s the big one, my ‘ah-ha!’ factor to why I do not deserve to date. I’m selfish and (most of the time) confident-ish. I’ll explain the aforementioned ‘ish’ in a moment. I’m selfish, so selfish, that I’ll want you to myself. I will want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. I’ll want to be someone you look forward to spending time with. I’ll, SO SELFISHLY, want to be the only person you’re dating because then I’ll know (and have no reason to overthink or second guess) we are both putting equal amounts of effort into this all-too-difficult-for-no-reason-dating-thing we are doing. Why? Because we are both so ridiculous that we will actually want to genuinely, loyally and honestly get to know one another. I’m so selfish that I’ll want to put some of my daily focus into making you happy – I’ll want to be the reason your bad days are better. I’ll selfishly want to share all the good things and bad things that might have happened in my day with you, too. And, selfishly, I’ll want to call you mine because you’re amazing, smart, cute and funny; and here I am – all of that and more – and I’ll actually want YOU to call ME yours, too!

I’m selfish & confident-ish. I say ‘ish’ because, after seven years of torture – I mean dating, I’ve finally realized what I do and do not deserve. I can honestly, with the upmost confidence, say I do NOT deserve to date!! I don’t deserve to have to lie to someone and trick them into dating me. I don’t deserve to have to pretend to be busy or pretend to be seeing other people only to try and make you jealous and chase after me to win my affection. I don’t deserve to go on dates, spend my precious time getting to know you – and allow you to get to know me – if you have no intentions of being loyal. I do not deserve to allow you to sleep with me and have all the benefits of a relationship when we are just ‘dating’.

I don’t deserve to date because I’m old fashioned and, to me, dating someone means you are trying with them – with only them – to see if the two of you could be compatible; two people who might actually laugh together, create memories together, sleep together and – eventually – fully commit to a relationship because things are going so well! Oh, what’s that? A friendship developed, too?!? THAT’S INSANE! Why the hell would you want to be in a relationship with someone that makes you smile, understands you, brings out the best in you and is one of your friends?!? Of course you should just keep ‘dating’ so they have the opportunity AND availability to potentially meet someone else.

I’m honest, genuine, loyal, old fashioned and – above all else – I’m selfish. And because of these things, I just don’t deserve to date.

– Danyle L. M. (9/8/2016)

14

Fake It ‘Till You Make It

The clichés: keep a positive mindset, things will happen when they’re supposed to, love yourself first, give it time, it wasn’t meant to be, you’ll come out of this stronger, etc. We hear these things everyday. The go-to clichés used to explain ‘why’ or ‘why not’, when there really isn’t an explanation. They’re used in those at-a-loss-for-words moments or when there’s nothing to be said. Yes, sometimes these clichés are true and actually work perfectly for the situation. On the contrary, there are answers and explanations – the reasons as to ‘why’ or ‘why not’ – that are better left unsaid; because the truth is too harsh or, possibly, even unacceptable. So we use these cliché’s, these go-to phrases, to explain the unexplainable or to aid in accepting the unacceptable.

We are all guilty of using these cliché’s on ourselves – they become our truth. They become the only reasonable or justifiable way to accept things as they are. They’re used as a temporary fix, to protect our wounds when we aren’t ready for them to heal. We use them to try and ‘fake it ‘til we make it’. When in reality, we aren’t making it – we are only faking it.

My personal truth, my ‘fake it ‘till you make it’ struggle, is whether or not I’m enough. I got so sick of hearing the clichés from everyone; he wasn’t ready, you’re too good for him, it’s just poor timing, you have to love yourself before someone else can, it will happen when you least expect it, etc. Instead of really reflecting on each situation or just accepting what was – instead of feeling the pain and understanding the ‘why’ or ‘why not’s’ of my feeling not good enough – I tried to fake it ’till I made it. I stopped asking myself if I was enough and started to pretend I was. I’d been faking it for as long as I could remember – so long I actually started to believe it. One would think the ‘make it’ portion of the ‘fake it ‘till you make it’ cliché had kicked in.

So I’d say I was enough; I deserved better, it wasn’t me it was him – I was overqualified for the position, I was asking for too much money, I’m too good of a friend, etc. Sound familiar? More clichés used to justify an answer I’d never really had. A justification I was using to try and convince myself that I was, in fact, enough. But something happened recently, something triggered this question again and I didn’t have a cliché to hide behind; I didn’t want to hide anymore. I started reflecting – really facing all those times I had been avoiding the real answer, my real truth. I took a long hard look at myself and contemplated what I was so afraid of admitting – a truth even harder to grasp after realizing I’d lied to myself for so long – I didn’t think I was enough.

The reason to my ‘why’ or ‘why not’s’ – the logic behind the ‘what if’s’ – the end-all-be-all decision defining all of my unexplainable or unaccepted truths – a simple answer to a simple question; I didn’t think I was enough. If I didn’t think I was enough, why would someone else? If we do have to love ourselves before someone else does – I’m not going to be loved. If I wasn’t too good for him, I wasn’t good enough for him – so of course he didn’t want me. If what we think and believe becomes our truth, then I’m never going to be enough.

So that’s what we do – we ‘fake it ‘till we make it’ – we use the clichés to fill in the blank when we can’t find the answers or accept the explanation we’ve been given. We cover the wound so we don’t have to watch it bleed, feel the sting of the ointment or allow ourselves to pick and prod at it as it heals. If we don’t face it, we don’t have to deal with it. So we use cliché’s to explain the unexplainable or to aid in accepting the unacceptable. Because if we have to face the truth, we have to look in the mirror and – the horrifying reality is – we might not like what we see.

I think it’s ok not to have an answer to ‘why’ or ‘why not’ – it’s ok not to have an explanation. Maybe, just maybe, it’s completely acceptable to refuse acceptance. You need to decide, right here and now, some things are the way they are and some things just aren’t – and the only way to get past whatever that may be is to go through it. Deal with it as it is. You have to decide and believe you are enough, not pretend. You have to stop hiding behind the clichés. You have to be able to move on without having an answer or explanation – you have to let go of what you don’t know. Life is full of unknowns, unanswered questions and unexplained realities. If you’re not willing to learn, grow and move on– if you can’t allow yourself to heal without smothering the truth under a blanket of clichés – then you’re never truly going to be able to live.

– Danyle L. M. 7/26/2016

0

Anyone’s Anybody 

There are a million thoughts that go through my head each day. Lately they’ve all been the same; do I cross your mind? Are you thinking of me? Have you wondered what could happen if we tried to make this work? Is there a missing space in your life because I haven’t been in it?

Maybe I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one; I want to be somebody’s someone. I want that person to think (and know) – without me having to prove it to them or talk them into thinking it – I’m worth the distance, the time, the effort and the patience it’s going to take to be with me. And guess what? I’ll think – and know – they’re worth it, too. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be putting in any effort.

I meet a guy, we start to date and I’ll get lost in the idea of ‘us’. Overthinking, over analyzing, and over-dreaming every scenario that you can imagine. It’s sad really – but it’s also romantic. Why can’t I have an adventure – a fairytale? With you I was realistic – cynical actually. I didn’t become obsessed or infatuated with you. I didn’t fall in love – but I wanted to. I did something worse actually, I let you become one of my best friends. And now I’m losing that friendship and it’s hurting me.

I know you say it’s not me – I don’t know if I believe you. I can’t tell if you’re being too nice to get this over with or if you really mean it when you say how wonderful you think I am. I do know that you’re not choosing me. I do know that you’re letting me go. Whisk me off of my feet! I know you have it in you. You won me over by being open and honest from the start. You won me over by making me feel beautiful; not just physically but in mind. You were one of the first men to actually care – and admire – my writing. You listened to me, you let me trust you, you let me give you precious parts of my time; at a time in my life when I was making myself the happiest I’ve ever been. You became a part of that happiness – and I don’t want to lose that.

You could ask me to walk down this healing path with you. You could say I’m enough and you don’t want to be without me either. You could tell me to keep moving slow with you so, at the end of the healing process, I’m the one who gets to be with you. We could still make plans – spend time together – nothing has to change. You just have to tell me when you need space. You have to try and let me in. You have to want me.

But you don’t – you won’t. Thinking, even for a second, you would fight for me was that hopeless romantic part of my imagination that I had thought was shut off before I met you.

Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m addicted to the idea of love. Maybe this has been one sided and I’ve built this into something it isn’t – it’s all in my head. Sure, you’ve enjoyed getting to know me. But I think you know if you wanted to be with me, even a little bit, you would be. You aren’t damaged – you’re broken – and since I’m the master at being broken I can tell you that you’re fixable. You’re worth the walk down the path of healing. But so am I. Did you realize that I’m broken, too? Did you stop and think maybe I’m fighting so hard for this because I’m fighting for us to save each other – I’m fighting for myself, too?

Life isn’t a fairytale – life isn’t a romantic comedy. When you walk away you stay gone – you don’t show up on my doorstep with flowers a month later and tell me you missed me and don’t want me to be with anyone else. You don’t ask me to spend romantic weekends with you or take me on sporadic adventures. You won’t do the little things – the things that become the big things – like make me a priority in a world filled with other options.

No, I’m not the girl who gets the fairytale. I’m not the woman who men fall in love with – I’m not the woman men choose. I’m the background music. I’m the reality. I’m the unhappily ever after. I’m the woman who ends up alone at the end of the night watching Netflix and drinking wine while wishing a man, wishing you, would love me as much as my dogs do. I’m the woman who jokes with friends about having a house on a hill somewhere filled with Yorkies.

I’m the over thinker, the ‘fixer’, the relationship overachiever – the old fashioned, hopeless romantic who wishes they could turn off their feelings. I’m the new generation of women. And I hate it. For decades women have fought so hard to teach the generations after them not to need a man – to be more than just the ‘other half’. Yet here I am, wanting to be the girl who gets the guy – wanting you to pick me, choose me – love me. Being loved – that’s success to me – I’ve always wanted love more than anything else. Yet I feel unlovable. What’s the point of everything else in life if you don’t have someone to share it with? Somebody’s someone – that’s who I want to be – not just anyone’s anybody.

– Danyle L. M. (9/13/16)

0

Put The Knife Down

Our deepest wounds
cannot be seen
cannot be heard
or identified –

Our deepest wounds
cannot be found
cannot be stitched
hidden with lies.

Our deepest wounds
beyond our smiles
beyond the tears
behind our eyes –

Our deepest wounds
have no scars
are hidden behind
no reason why.

Our deepest wounds
are poked and prodded
smothered with ‘I’m fine’
and most of the time –

Our deepest wounds
don’t get to heal
don’t get to mend
They’re self-inflicted.

  • The Dalema. May 18, 2016.
0

Composed & Sleepless

I stayed up most of the night last night. I couldn’t sleep, but mostly, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried feelings of hurt, fear, loss and confusion. I cried feelings for you, for him – for anyone who has ever left me. I cried out my disappointments, my mistakes, my regrets and for all the things I just cannot seem to forgive myself for. I cried until my eyes grew so heavy they closed. I cried until I fell asleep.


When I woke up this morning I felt empty – I felt numb. I shouldn’t have felt that way. Today was the first day of my dream job. I should have felt pride and joy – excitement and accomplished. Yet I felt empty. Not a relieving, weight-off-of-your-shoulders type of empty; the type of empty you feel when you don’t feel anything anymore at all.

Last night I cried so hard and for so long,
I must have cried until my feelings were gone.

For someone like me; someone who feels too much, too often, about everything. For someone who’s overloaded with feelings, I think it’s best to feel nothing. Even when I feel nothing, somehow, I still feel more than I should.

I think in life, particularly for women – women who feel the way I feel and how I feel – it’s easier to stay empty, to be emotionless. I think building up a barrier and wearing a suit of armor is necessary. Successful women don’t feel (or rather show) their feelings to anyone. They pull themselves together. They put on a smile to hide the hurt, fear or frustration lingering underneath. They smile to maintain a composed exterior.

I think, when the barriers have been built and the suit of armor has been put on, that’s when you know you’ve truly become a woman. You’ve dealt with so much from life you decide you don’t want to feel anything at all. It’s not worth it. After all these years, I finally understood what my mother was saying when she’d tell me to pull myself together. She wasn’t being cold, she wasn’t being unloving or insensitive – she was trying to teach me to be a woman. She was trying to help me grow – she was trying to protect me.

So I’ve decided to build my walls high, and to make my suit of armor thick – indestructible. Not because I don’t want to let anyone in but because I don’t want to let my feelings out. I can’t feel again – I won’t survive it. I’ve decided I’d rather hurt than be hurt, I’d rather be alone and lonely than feel rejection; the type of rejection that makes you reject yourself. I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

I cried most of last night, I cried until the feelings were gone.
I cried until the walls were built and the suit of armor had been put on.

I cried until the give-a-damn bridge – the one leading to the front doors of the castle I built from all these feelings, after all all these years – had been burnt to ash. If I feel those feelings again; hurt, pain, confusion, disappointment, regret or loss decides to creep towards my composed, emotionless exterior – I’ll simply put on a smile to hide behind until I have the nighttime to cry.

Even if it takes another sleepless night, a week without sleep or every night for the rest of my life –
I’ll cry so hard and for so long,
I’ll continue crying until the feelings are gone.

  • The Dalema. September 9, 2016
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