I’d like to end my story
without anyone ever reading it
but I keep sharing
and I can’t stop caring
so I keep on repeating it
- The Dalema. October 20, 2016
I want to say something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna
One day I woke up
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s
I wanted to try something
because they told me –
‘you never know’
So I tried my best
I gave my all –
I held hope
I didn’t expect to feel
so much, so soon –
anything for anyone
Yet there I was hoping
he would heal me –
mend my broken
I thought it was something
or should I say –
I was someone’s
He made me trust him
think we were different –
like we belonged
Somehow he made it stop
my fear of heartbreak –
fear of loss
Somehow I found the strength
to be only myself –
because of ‘us’
I’ve wanted to say more
and I probably shouldn’t –
so I don’t
But I found myself praying
I woke up wishing –
there was hope
Although he decided to leave
and I’m still hurting –
I’m not afraid
I found myself missing him
and he should know –
it is ok
I need to say something
I’ve kept a secret –
but I’ll share
I once woke up smiling
thinking he might stop –
thinking of her
I may have some regrets
and I won’t mention –
he should’ve stayed
Of course I’d be lying
if I denied wishing –
somewhere, somehow, someday
I will tell you something
and I probably shouldn’t –
but I’m gonna
Today I woke up thinking
I found myself wanting –
to be someone’s
Someone who could love me
somewhere safe and warm –
sometime very soon
But the somehow was missing
the somewhere was missing –
He. Someone. You.
- The Dalema. October 31, 2016.
Five words. You said them once and you’ve never meant them more.
It was a Monday night turning into Tuesday.
Tuesday – the last day I’d ever see you.
They meant so much to me. I didn’t know they could mean so much more.
I didn’t know until now.
You said the words, “I really do miss you”.
I knew you meant it.
I was missing you too, of course. Like always.
I was always the one to miss you – you could be in the other room and I’d crave your touch.
I’d crave your kisses. I’d miss your presence.
But for the first time, you said those five words.
I felt missed by you. Wanted by you.
I finally earned a place in your thoughts.
I took up a small corner of your mind.
A corner she no longer kept.
The next day was the best day I’d ever have with you.
So simple. So normal. For me, it was perfect.
Nothing extravagant. Grocery shopping.
We cooked together.
Fooled around in the kitchen.
We enjoyed each other’s company and then fell asleep in each other’s arms.
I’ll never forget what you said when we woke up, “You’re so addicting.”
I’ve held on to those words.
Those last moments – our last cuddles.
Had I known that was our last kiss, I would have held it longer.
Had I known that was our last embrace, I would have left a trail of kisses on your jawline.
An extra squeeze around your waste.
An extra gaze into your eyes.
I can’t hold on to your kiss.
Time won’t let me hold the corner of your mind – the one I know she’s reclaimed.
Your memory might not remember the way our hands and lips fit or the way I cooked for you.
Your amusement when I kept the produce bag next to the cutting board as a garbage –
the same thing you did.
You’ve moved on from the addiction of our embrace – the perfect spoon.
How my head fit on your chest.
The deep sleep we fell into together.
So here I am, on a Monday night turning into Tuesday.
I didn’t know it then, but I know now.
There are five words you said that will always mean the most to me.
I realize I’ll never hear you say them to me again.
You said, “I really do miss you”.
- The Dalema. October 24, 2016.
and still
with every text I get
and
every unknown number
I still
feel a glimpse of hope
and
then begin to wonder
if we
could have made it work
or
should have even tried
if I
meant a thing to you
or
ever cross your mind
but I
can’t compete with her
and
I don’t care to try
yet you
put me in your bed
and
let me in your life
just to
say you weren’t ready
and
you should have known better
yet I
wouldn’t take it back
and
hope you wouldn’t either
and still
every unknown number
and
every text I hear
I still
feel a glimpse of hope
and
then hope disappears.
- The Dalema, 10.27.16
The Dalema 