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The Dalema

Finding The Woman I'm Meant To Be

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Exhale

Why I Can’t Wait To Be 30

Here’s to my twenties
Here’s to the old me
Cheers to the end of a decade
Cheers to turning 30

Here’s to those years that broke me
Here’s to the years I found myself
Cheers to the friends who stuck around
And to those who let themselves out

Here’s to the lessons I’ve learned
Here’s to the love I found
Cheers to having happiness
When hope wasn’t around

Here’s to loving my body
Here’s to knowing my worth
Cheers to the mistakes I dated
And for never putting me first

Here’s to all the education
Here’s to student loans
Cheers to old careers
And the cars I used to own

Here’s to my first apartment
Here’s to my first home
Cheers to friends and family
For trusting me on my own

Here’s to societies expectations
Here’s to body image pressure
Cheers to no longer giving a fuck
About the size I measure

Here’s to all the heartbreak
Here’s to all the pain
Cheers to all the blessings
Cheers to the ‘might-have-been’s

Here’s to all the wrong paths
Here’s to all the dead ends
Cheers to finding where I’m meant to be
And knowing how to start again

Here’s to attempting adulthood
Here’s to Friday nights in
Cheers to enjoying the little things
Cheers to understanding who I am

Here’s to the end of an era
Here’s to ending insecurities
Cheers to going with the flow
I’m the best version of me

Cheers to all that’s in the past
The hardest years? They’re long gone!
Here’s to the end of my twenties –
The best is yet to come!

  • The Dalema. April 30, 2017.
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Two-Dimensional Silhouette 

That’s exactly why it didn’t work.

You don’t fall in love. You walk to it.
Hand in hand, eyes wide open.
You talk about the path you’re taking.
You trust the person to walk the path with you.

And you walk in – together.
Side by side. Hand in hand.
Eyes. Wide. Open.
One chosen step at a time – together.

Otherwise, you’re just walking alone –
following like a shadow.
A shadow they don’t even see.

Shadows fall and shadows fade.
Love walks and never alone.

  • The Dalema. January 16, 2017.

An Early Spring

It’s hard to explain. The closest description I can think of is when you’re standing outside on one of those unexpected spring days. The early spring days when it’s still supposed to be super cold and snowy but it’s sunny and 60. And then it happens; a strong breeze covers you at the exact same time the clouds part and the sun shines down and warms your face. Even though the snow is still lingering on the ground and the road is dusty from the combination of dirt and salt, you smell spring in the air. You feel the warmth on your skin. You lose yourself in possibility.

I wasn’t skydiving or riding the waves. I wasn’t reading a book or claiming my million dollar prize – I was just living. I was allowing myself to smile without wondering why. I was just being. And as I was just being, he crossed my mind. My pivotal moment crossed my mind. So I decided to send him a message. I said hello, I wished him well and I apologized. I apologized for something I never realized I was sorry for. And you know what? He answered. Right away. He didn’t act odd, rude or interrupted. He acted with kindness – he answered like a friend. He answered the same way he let me go; respectfully.

In the short conversation that followed, I found myself smirking. Not in a giddy, flirty, ‘oh my God we are taking again!’ kind of way. I was smirking because we had nothing to talk about. I was smirking because of the nothing I felt for him. I was smirking because I was grateful for all my unanswered prayers.

So we said what everyone says and never means – ‘I’m glad we can be friends’, ‘let’s catch up soon’, etc., etc. All the things so many people say when they know they’ll never say anything to one another again. Because there’s nothing left to say; the apologies have been forgiven, the feelings have passed and the people have changed. The time has moved on and so has he – so have I.

What I felt tonight is better than happiness. It was like standing in the warmth of the sun, covered by a breeze on an unexpected early spring day. My pivotal moment; the heartache and pain – all the unknown reasons, all the unanswered prayers – finally made sense.

I was at peace.

I had clarity.

I had closure.

  • The Dalema. January 14, 2017.
    © Photo Credit Brittany Hensel Photography

Time Marches On

Moments away from the end,
the beginning of all the pain
Minutes away from losing
all the love we ever made
Seconds away from the silence
that’ll cut deeper than a knife
It’s time for me to tell you
I’m walking out of your life

Moments away from a change
that we can’t ever change back
Minutes away from falling
out of a love you no longer have
Seconds away from the laughter
that hides your initial shock
It’s time for me to love myself
for all the reasons you could not

Moments away from losing me,
you won’t fight for me to stay
Minutes away from saying
the words I never thought I’d say
Seconds away from leaving
the life I fought to build behind
It’s time you see you waited too long –
now we’re out of time.

  • The Dalema. February 2, 2009.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

– Maya Angelou –

Purposefully misspelled, I created ‘The Dalema’ from letters in my name. It’s a safe place for me to breathe. A place to unload the built-up and untold opinions, emotions, situations and short stories – the baggage I’ve been carrying around with me every day of my life.

I started writing when I was seven. I was on a plane for the first time, traveling from New York to Oregon with my grandma to visit my uncle. She gave me the gift of paper and my uncle gave me the gift of poetry. Together they gave me the gift of writing.

Escaping my body through the pen in my hand and camouflaging themselves as ink on stationary, I realized words had become my tears, my laughter – my screams. Only then did I realize I could start to understand my emotions if I wrote them down. Every day since, my life story has been accumulating on paper.

I’ve learned I’m a hopelessly romantic cynic, a realistic dreamer – a millennial with an old soul. I’m an outgoing introvert who’s insecurely confident. I’m a woman trying to be better than the girl I was meant to be.

Writing is the only way I know to lift the weight of the world off of my chest so I can breathe. The Dalema is my life. The Dalema is my story, untold. Follow along as I get through it – one post at a time.

  • The Dalema

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